Is This A Relapse?

This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.


If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’



Before I start, I had brushed my teeth and washed my face for 6 days in a row [insert cheers and whoops]. Sadly, that all comes crashing down this morning. Yet again the lead balloon has taken over. I’m staying in bed for the foreseeable future and I officially give up the hope of having the elusive omelette. Today, the nurses don’t even try to cajole me out of questionable carpet room and the cleaner takes one look and realises she’d be fighting a losing battle. I start to think, is this a relapse? Technically that shouldn’t be possible as I am not even better from the first episode, let alone then entering a relapse. Can I do this? Can I feel ‘Normal’ again? It also means I miss art therapy which I was excited about. Good job it looks like I’ll be here next Tuesday.


I make it up in time for lunch mainly because I am hungry and there is only so many kit kat’s a girl can live on. Ok, this is ok, I’m up. I’m moving. I’ve not brushed my teeth but I’m up. I’ve got to take the positives where I can right now. Lunch is pizza and corn on the cob. Please everyone, please stay away, please don’t make me communicate with you. I’m granted my wish and left to my own devices so lunch is with the smart phone.


Oh, shitty shit shit. My car insurance has run out and if I’m to actually leave this place tomorrow I’m going to need to drive to the spa. Ok. Don’t panic. You can do this. You can do this. You CAN do this. Log on to the website, yes, that’s it, find the car insurance section, excellent, keep it up, see ways to renew. I’m really not up to speaking to anyone. Is there any way to do this without human interaction? Ooh, they have a chat functionality. Hello anonymous robot, please renew my insurance. Ooh hello very real nurse coming to check on me. No I’m really not ok but will you please leave me alone? No? Oh, ok, in which case I think you’ll find the tears are on their way. Yes, here they come. I’m 30. As in 3…0… how am I being floored by renewing my car insurance? With a robot? Nurse (who knows what letter right now) stays with me whilst it all goes through. I can’t believe someone has just held my hand whilst doing this yet tomorrow I’m meant to be in charge of a metal killing machine a.k.a my fiat 500! Oh, and the minor fact I’ve not been outside for over a week.


Group at 1400 is meant to be interpersonal. Like I explained, that means the patients support each other. Today’s stand in therapist has obviously not been given the same script as us. He’s trying to lead and direct the conversation, it’s not going well. Therapist J, please just SHUT UP. We get there in the end but it’s painful and I decide that’s it for the day. There is no way I’m up for yoga now. So back to questionable carpet room I head. Thankfully I’ve loaded several films onto my laptop so I’m going to hide under the duvet and watch one. Stuff the fact this is a distraction technique; I need it right now. So, I click play on ‘Christine’. It’s interesting and it’s going to keep me occupied for 2 hours. Just as I think I can relax, I start to understand where this film is going… and yes, yes it ends in suicide. Great. Probably not the film I should have just watched. Excellent.


Dinner and yes, I do it alone. Lamb kofte with flat bread and chickpea salad followed by key lime pie and custard. I don’t know what a key lime is but I don’t think it’s this. The pie is lovely but I swear this is more like apple. Smart phone keeps me occupied and a friend offers to send me a care package. Amazing! Again, I continue to be floored by how amazing people have been to support me. I didn’t expect this at all. Straight back to my room to hide and pack. If I’m going to be let out the front door tomorrow I’m going to need to pack.


Dr E comes to see me and she’s now worried tomorrow is too much for me. Deep down I completely agree but how do I tell her my aunt and sister are counting on me? Turns out I can’t tell her so home leave it is. She thinks I should take some extra meds with me. Oh, crap, can’t even fake it to my Dr any more. That’s the thing. I’ve spent a really REALLY long time faking it. I’ve been saying I’m ok for so long. Really, I wasn’t ok a while back but, as you’ll remember, communication is a basic life skill I’m lacking.


So, I start to pack up questionable carpet room knowing I’ll be back here in Friday. Bye weird stain in the corner, bye weird mark on the tiles, bye squeaky door frame that wakes me up during obs. You’ve been kind to me even if I’ve taken the piss out of you.


Freeview and I have not only made peace; we are now getting along. 24 Hours in A&E is on the entertainment menu for this evening. One of the people admitted to A&E starts talking about her depression. Wow, I genuinely needed this right now, I needed to hear someone else feels the stigma and embarrassment. I needed to see it’s not only people in here. To the brave lady, thank you! You’ve given me hope.


This is when I have a light bulb idea. Well done me! Each ward has a washing machine and (drum roll please) TUMBLE DRYER! Oh, my days! I’ve not had a tumble dryer for years. This is amazing. Maybe this day is salvageable! So, off I trot to promptly load the washing machine with my entire suitcase of clothes. In 2 hours’ time, I’ll be able to load these into the toasty dryer and instead of air dried crispy clothes, I’ll have soft, warm fluffy clothes. This requires more than a drum roll; this requires a full-blown cheer. If my insurance is paying for me to be here, I might as well make the absolute most of it.


Washing and drying done and the real panic sets in. Why am I going tomorrow? Is it because:


1) I want to

2) I feel I have to go to please my aunt and sister

3) For shits and giggles


Yet again, this is a play along at home game and if you guessed b) you get to add another 10 points to your running total. Just as I’m writing this, a message comes in and never has a message been better times. To friend F, thank you, it’s brilliant. It says…


It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


No joke, you couldn’t have planned this better if you tried. Ok. Maybe today won’t end as badly as it started. Maybe tomorrow will be ok. Maybe I am not totally insane (ha, nice try, I’ll always be insane to some degree).


Before bed, I decide to review my Patient alphabet to see what I am missing. I have summarised I have Patients: A, B, C (me!), D, F, G, J, K, L, R, S, & T, that’s nearly half! So, I need to meet Patient E, H, I, M, N, O, P, Q, U, V, W, X & Z. Given I’ve doubled up on some letters, like Patient L and Patient L2, what’s the rules on substituting some of these for the letters I am missing. I’m not sure my communication skills are up to meeting too many more new people at the moment. Mmm, I’ll have to sit with that one for a bit.


So, time for sleep and here’s hoping I can make it in the outside world for the next 48 hours.



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