This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
Thanks to my human alarm clock (thank you Friend GG), I get up at 0945. She called at 0930 but I gave myself the extra 15 minutes. Up I get and it’s time for breakfast. I contemplate going to get a coffee from the deli, as I promised Friend GG I would, but the beautiful mind manages to talk myself out of doing it. Instead it’s time for a hot crossed bun. What am I going to do with myself? There is a long time to kill before it’s bed time again. Will I make it outside? I fear I won’t. But, let’s give something new a shot, let’s get dressed. By dressed, I mean the jumper that I’ve been wearing for the last 3 days and is in need of a wash, and some pjs trousers. There is an important difference to note though, these pj trousers are not the pj trousers I slept in so, technically, I am dressed. The furry teeth have also reached the point where I can smell how bad my breath is. That’s a nice image for you all isn’t it! I brush my teeth and even get the tongue scraper out. Ah, that’s better! I potter around the flat at a somewhat tortoise like pace but in doing so, I get a couple of chores done, this is good! No, I’ve not washed but this is still better than the weekend.
I make it to the sofa and get comfy as the buzzer goes. It’s the Sky engineers here to hook me up to Sky Q. Oh, this is exciting! It doesn’t take long and once they are gone, I am left with a new toy to play with. I used to think I was somewhat astute with new technology. The new Sky Q remote proves I am anything but. It’s got a fancy new touch pad. Instead of this being good, I’m now left with some fancy kit that I don’t have a clue what to do with. Brilliant. I can’t work it out so I’m stuck with the channel the engineers left it on. Oh well, Sudoku will keep me company. Before I know it, it’s 1600. I’ve fallen asleep on the sofa and acquired a furry friend (a cat, not my teeth) during said nap. I’ve got some texts waiting for me. All of them are asking if I’ve been outside. No, sadly not. I have a feeling I might not make it out either.
An hour later and this is it. I am up and changing pj trousers for jeans. I am going to make a break for it. I am not sure if this is cheating but I am heading out in my car. There are 3 stops on this outing, the petrol station, a shop to collect an online order and supper, I’ve decided I can have a McDonalds. Drive through, obviously. This is it, I am outside on a day at home! I survive the petrol acquisition, I make it into the shop to get my order, I manage to order (too much) through the car window. This is it Patient C, you’ve done it. I am not sure I should necessarily be celebrating this outing as I’ve really only sat in the car for most of it but I’m going to anyway. No my hair wasn’t washed but this is still progress. I am pretty sure the workers at the McDonald’s drive through window want some of my hair grease for the chips.
Back at the flat and it’s a speedy change back into pj trousers. Next up, it’s burger time. I know, this is bad! I know, junk food isn’t great but I don’t care, one problem at a time for the moment and hey, the incentive of it got me out the flat!
Well, now I’m moving, I may as well get a couple more chores done! Whoop, this is progress. Not only have a shortened my chore list but I’ve also started to figure out the new remote. Back-to-back Modern Family to keep me company as I potter about.
I get a missed call from my sister’s friend. I’ve been avoiding calling her but no time like the present. We talk through the plan for Saturday and I start to get choked up. I am so frustrated that I’ve been this disabled by depression that I’m struggling to manage my sister’s hen party. I manage to keep the tears at bay but this serves as a reminder, I’ve still got some way to go.
How have I felt today? Drained. Not sure I could have made it into hospital today. Relieved I’ve got a bit of respite. I’ve not done what I said I would do, check in with myself and write down what I am feeling. I have however been outside and sent a couple of texts. Question – why is sending a 30 second text whilst depressed so blooming hard? I get cracking on the write ups whilst sitting with the cats. I also start to figure out how to watch different things on the new Sky box, at least I am not going to be stuck watching endless reruns of ‘Nothing To Declare’. It’s mind-bogglingly boring! 1 or 2 episodes is somewhat interesting and informative…by episode 20 you can call out what the border control officers are going to say to the passenger who has somehow failed to tick their declaration card correctly.
I don’t know how but it’s 0400 in the morning. Bugger. This isn’t good for the sleep routine or replenishing the energy units. It also means I’ve not taken my nightly meds, double bugger. Ok, so, time to crawl under the duvet and at least get a bit of sleep before hospital.