This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
Friday morning and I feel like I slept well. I’ve had a couple of nightmares but nothing I’ve not already had. I’m not sure if I mentioned this but a change of scene has made at least 1 positive impact, I did my teeth last night and washed my face. I’m having some more dental problems and I’m still getting nose bleeds so I need to be an adult about this and take better care of the remaining teeth I’ve got. I’m aware of at least one more tooth that’s going to need to be pulled out and an existing dental implant is wobbling. I’m somewhat confident that a porcelain tooth screwed into titanium in my jaw isn’t meant to wobble.
Morning 1 and can I carry on the teeth and face streak? In the words of the legend that is Bob the Builder, YES, WE CAN! It’s a respectable time too. Let’s go for the triple whammy and get changed. It may only be a soft jumper and tracksuit to you but it’s a glittering ball gown to me. Friend KH and I have been known to spend a whole day sat at her kitchen table in pjs. Not in a depressed way, in a ‘we can’t stop talking long enough to get dressed way’. Yes, Friend KH and I have an incredible ability to talk for more than 12 hours. We keep hydrated and fuelled throughout but never taking more than a few steps from her trusted kitchen table. Well, we may not move much today, who knows, but it won’t be in pjs.
Downstairs and Child MH and Baby HH are there to greet me with adorable smiles, giggles, blonde ringlets and baby sick. What more could I ask for? Well, if we are going to ask, I’d ask for a donut for breakfast and some chocolate orange hot cross buns. Good work Friend KH, you are a legend. Again, a donut for breakfast isn’t actually that strange for our get together but still, you asked what more I could ask for and this was it.
This white carb and sugar heavy breakfast is washed down with strong black coffee! Our ability to spend in excess of 12 hours a day putting the world to rights is now somewhat hindered due to Baby HH’s need to be fed at regular intervals and Child MH’s need to be entertained. It’s good though. Baby HH is old enough that the smiles are real smiles, not just the passing of wind and he’s got this great little trick that if you rub his chin, out comes the smiles. This, my dear readers, is depression recovery gold. Child MH is a very articulate 2-year-old and listening to her speak is brilliant. She even informs me she’s distressed and so is taking herself off to the bottom step with her teddy. Yes, a 2-year-old knows how to appropriately use the word distressed. I’m 30 and at times I get it wrong. Why is it appropriately used? We weren’t going to get all her paints out, instead she was going to water paint. For any parents out there, this is a genius solution to save your furniture, walls and other children from being ‘painted’.
Lunch rolls around and it’s broccoli and cheese quiche with grilled asparagus. I’ve not had to lift a finger since the moment I arrived. Friend RH whisked my bags upstairs to my room and Friend KH, even with an 8-week-old baby has kept me fed and occupied. I am realising though, this is all zapping a lot of energy units. It may not sound like I’ve done much, and that’s probably because I haven’t, but keeping going with others around me is exhausting. This isn’t in a bad way, just in a factual way. I am so pleased I am here. A 2-year-old’s energy is infectious but I can feel myself getting very tired. Baby HH has some jabs today so I’m going to keep Child MH occupied at home with the wonders of Walt Disney. That guy is a genius. It’s basically child crack cocaine. Thankfully Friend KH fully believes in bribing one’s child so if Child MH does something to help, she can watch a ‘DD’ as she so adorably calls it and even pick which one. Friend KH and Baby HH leave and I am feeling very calm and thankful for c. 90 minutes of animation heaven which will not only cheer me up but occupy Child MH all in one go. So, what childhood memory lane are we going to wander down? The Little Mermaid and the runaway child. Not heard of that movie? Well, it’s exactly the same as The Little Mermaid except ¾ of the way through, a 2-year-old gets up and makes a break for it… through the dog flap and is climbing up the side gate. In case I was wondering if my anxiety had gone, Child MH kindly reminded me that I do still have it. Friends KH & RH, you are going to need to childproof the dog flap, Child MH is very proud of being able to run away from me. My hips, especially with the additional yum yum pounds on, is never going to get through that gap! So, we all know Ariel gets her man and sails off into the sunset with her new legs so there is no need to rewind, instead, Child MH is finding it hysterical that she can get away from me by running through the utility room and dog flap in a continuous loop. The hospital did teach us that momentum drives momentum and this is definitely some of the most momentum driving I’ve done in a while.
Friend KH returns with a sleep Baby HH just in time to save me from complete exhaustion. We decide an afternoon snack would be sensible and so I introduce her to the delights of M&S yum yum’s. She tells me her mum is addicted to them and eats them in multiples. YES! Hallelujah. I am not alone. In the same way, Walt Disney created an acceptable crack cocaine for children, M&S bakery has created an acceptable form of crack cocaine for adults. We talk about how I am doing and that’s when Friend KH asks:
Friend KH: Do you still want to die? You mentioned earlier how much you are going to embarrass Child MH way into the future at her 18th birthday, do you mean that?
Friend KH has always been blunt and to the point. It’s part of her charm. You never need worry she’s saying anything behind your back as she’ll have already said it to your face. She takes no prisoners and it is part of what makes her great.
So, what’s my response? No point hiding it.
ME: It’s not that I want to die, it’s that if this is how it’s going to feel for the rest of my life, I can’t see a way to get through it.
Friend RH returns from work and that signals the acceptable hour of wine o’clock. It’s not that I’ve ever thought there is an unacceptable hour for wine o’clock to begin, but whilst depressed and on a lot of medication whilst in someone’s house, too much wine o’clock too early isn’t going to end well. Wine o’clock gets better by the addition of baked camembert and baguette. We sit eating and drinking and making dark jokes about the hospital. I’m not sure whether to tell them this but the fact they can crack these jokes and completely understand them, maybe they should get an assessment too? Fear not though, they are just two very understanding friends who don’t miss an opportunity to laugh at me.
We are all tired so it’s early to bed. I’m so grateful! I am shattered but in a good way thanks to the toddler exercise class I accidently ended up completely.
This would be the perfect place for this post to end. It doesn’t though. I stay up writing blog posts until 0200. Bugger, why does this keep on happening? I finally turn the light off when I hear Friend KH go to feed Baby HH for the second time. I have a feeling Baby HH and Child MH may not be so sympathetic to my need for sleep when they decide to wake up in the morning.