This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
It’s the last day with my friends. There is no toddler wake up but that’s ok, I think I can get up today. This weekend has thoroughly exhausted me but it has been great. Maybe I could just move in with them? I’m sure that’s just what they need with a 2-year-old and 8-week-old in the house. I head downstairs with no teeth brushing or face washing. In fact, I head down still in my pjs. It’s ok though, Friend KH is still in hers too. It’s dippy egg and soldiers for breakfast and I am not going to even try to hide my delight at this child breakfast as I ask for it too! Friend RH is heading out for a run. Ah, the delights of running. Many moons ago, I loved running. Now, I’m too scared to even start a workout routine, let alone go out for a run. I’m scared to start. It’s going to hurt. I know this given my weight increase and my mini toddler workout yesterday. I’m so scared to fail that I don’t even start. Ah, a common theme that applies to every aspect of my life. Well, last night’s OCD planning has included getting back to the gym. I mean it this time. Or at least I hope I mean it. I’ve got to start.
Anyway, back to Sunday and it’s turning out to be a glorious day! Once Friend RH gets back from his run, it’s lunch time. Sirloin steak. It hits me. This is the most ‘Normal’ food I’ve had other than hospital food. Since being discharged, I’ve only been binging. Not even a microwave meal has passed my lips. That’s both shocking and unsurprising all wrapped into one. After lunch, we head out to the garden for homemade carrot cake. Friend KH’s version is up there in my all-time favourites of cakes. It’s hot. Not UK hot in the spring type hot, it’s actually hot! There is no breeze and if I close my eyes, I could be on a beach in Europe. That’s not a feeling I remember well. I’ve not been on a relaxing holiday for years. No exaggeration. I’ve been away but they’ve been active holidays. I would really like to sit on a sun lounger with a book and a cocktail right now. You may recall the spa, now that’s normally a relaxing mini break but this year, it was not. I was too ill to see the benefit. We chat but the thoughts of getting back to London start to cloud over the day. I don’t want to go back. This hasn’t made the depression go away but being around friends is awesome.
Going home can wait, at least for a couple of hours. We relocate to the grass to bask in the sun and play a game of ‘Can-Child-MH-run-and-touch-the-pole-at-the-other-end-of-the-garden-and-run-back-again’ a.k.a. how do we tire out the toddler. After more toddler fun, it’s time to get moving. I head up stairs to pack and decide that today can remain on course. It’s 17:00 but I’ll brush my teeth and wash my face. I definitely did not need my 10 changes of clothes, catering for all weather, but hey, over packing never hurt anyone, except maybe Friend RH’s back when he carries is dow the stairs. It’s time to say bye bye. I don’t really want to though.
Good bye’s done, off I drive, looking back at a happy family of 4 (+ 2 pawed family members). Honestly, I am a bit jealous. I want that. I am very grateful though. The support I’ve received from all corners of my life has been amazing. I never realised how much people cared for me, I never realised I was worth taking care of.
Back in London and I’m feeling completely out of energy. I go through the McDonald’s drive through for a Big Mac meal and crunchie McFlurry. I had timetabled things to get done tonight but I already know, that’s not going to happen. I’m out of energy and just want to eat and cuddle my cats. Tomorrow is going to be hard, mum is coming to London for an afternoon with my sister before she flies to NYC for her wedding. Mum thinks I am ruining my career by not being back at work. She may well be right, but I realise now, I was ruining my career by ignoring how ill I was. I can’t win. I want to go back to work, I want to do well, but, having allowed myself to say it’s ok that I am ill, it’s like the twine keeps unravelling. I never knew how much I was lying to myself, I never knew so much hurt and pain would come flooding out. I know it needed to be tackled but wow, a heads up on how hard this was going to be would have been appreciated.
Finally, back home and it’s sofa, burger and cat time. Friend KH had an idea for me. Instead of timetabling every minute of every day, what about writing a list of what I’d like to achieve and work through it as I feel able too. I.e. don’t set myself up to fail by saying task A HAS to be completed at 10:00. Technically, task A can be completed at any point in the day. For me, missing the 10:00 start for task A means I feel I’ve failed. This could work. I’ll give it a shot. For now, though, it’s bed time. I’ve had a great weekend, achieved more than I thought and all in all, made to feel so loved by my friends.