This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
I’d set my alarms for this morning before I was aware that I was going to stay up until 04:00 colouring. I turn them off and sensibly allow myself to go back to sleep. The world has other ideas though. My buzzer goes off, it’s the post man. It needs signing so I head down. It’s a personalised lace garter with blue ribbon I’ve had made for my sister. It’s also a card. Having been downstairs and had human interaction, I’m feeling quite awake. Ok, I’ll stay awake in the hope that being this tired will force me to sleep at a ‘Normal’ time tonight.
Back in the flat and I look at the card. It’s been written to my sister, scrubbed out and then written to me. The envelope also states the postage cost £6.95 for next day signed delivery. Opening it and it’s from my dad. He’s got the date wrong, he’s got the daughter wrong and he’s spend 7 times the amount on postage then on the card (which has it’s 99p sticker still on it). Wow, thanks, this makes me feel loved. My birthday is tomorrow, 5th April, not today, 4th April. Let’s put that uncomfortable ball of emotions to one side shall we? I’m not sure I can deal with it at the moment.
Well, there is one positive, my skin feels great! I am so pleased I spent a stupid amount on a exfoliator and serum when sister’s £6 did a better job (although this is probably due to the steam and sauna too).
I turn on the TV and have breakfast but find myself doing that head nod that people falling asleep in public start doing. Ok, I know I was going to stay awake all day but I am changing my mind and I’m going to give in. Back to bed and a new Netflix series it is. Just as I’m about to drop off, my sister calls. I silence it and I’ll call her later. Then the buzzer goes again. Ok, ok world, I hear you, I am not going back to sleep. It’s builders who would like access to the parking space behind my flats to put scaffolding up on the next-door neighbour’s house. I let them use the space but then start worrying this wasn’t very sensible. There is no way I can go back to sleep now as I’m worrying too much. I watch them from my bedroom window and it appears they are indeed only doing what they said they were going to. Still, I’ll email the other freeholders to give them a heads up.
If I am not going to have a sleep, let’s do something with my time. A couple of years ago I bought a 1,000 dot-to-dot book. I’ve never done any of them though. Time to start now I think. It’s great, takes my mind off things and it’s a lot of fun. The first picture is Elvis! I’ve made a couple of mistakes, it’s not perfect, but I am still going to share it with you. This is a task I can do to interject all the colouring I’m doing. I never knew I liked creative things.
Having finished Elvis, I feel able to tackle some of the to-do list. I am going to start with the hardest one, a letter for my sister to open on her wedding day. I write out a draft first and then the card. I start crying. I adore my sister, I am gutted I will not see her getting married. She’s going to be in NYC, in City Hall and there will be no family or friends. Gutted isn’t a strong enough word for how I feel. I message Friend AI and show her what I’ve written. She replies say she hopes my parents are ashamed of themselves. At first, I want to defend them. It’s always the way, it’s ok for me to say something bad about my parents but when someone else does, it’s not ok. The thing is, Friend AI is right, their inability to be civil to each other has caused my sister to feel there is no choice but to elope. Friend AI got married a couple of years ago and I was her bridesmaid. When she was ready, the wedding planner went to get her father and the photographer was in place to capture that moment when he first saw his daughter in her wedding dress. I burst into tears. It was beautiful. It was written across his face how much he was beaming with pride and love for Friend AI. The other bridesmaids and I had to take it in turn to turn our backs and wipe away the tears, we didn’t want to set Friend AI off but we were all there, tears in our eyes. My sister is never going to have that moment and I’m not sure I would want that moment with my father if I were to ever get married. Still though, it’s gutting. I’m starting to realise what the therapists mean when they told me to grieve the loss of the father I thought I should have to be able to accept the father I have. I wish there was something sarcastic I could write next to raise a chuckle but I can’t. It’s too painful.
Tears dried and I get to starting the next dot-to-dot to stop thinking about just how crap this all is. I can’t tell which famous person this is going to be at the moment and I refuse to cheat by looking in the back. I do the first 100 and then stop. Time for another chore. I am going to put Friend KH’s idea into practise and do chores in whichever order my mood takes. I am going to do this every 100 dot-to-dots. Next up, wrap a couple of little gifts for my sister and soon-to-be brother-in-law to open. Next, another 100 dot-to-dots. Oh, I think I may have guessed who this is turning out to be. I’ve still got 800 dot-to-dots to go though so let’s wait and see.
Next chore, get the items I’m lending my sister together in a bag. Once done, I call her to check she’s in if I use and uber courier to deliver it. She suggests I come by for a quick drink and see their new place. They moved at the weekend, 3 days before flying for their wedding. Madness obviously runs in the family. A quick change into my tracksuit and an uber (taxi, not courier) later, I arrive. I am so pleased I have left the flat. Momentum has yet again generated momentum. Their new place is gorgeous, I am so pleased for them. I help them pack their last bits and show them how to use the Go-Pro. Now it’s time to say bye. This is the last time I’ll see my sister as a Miss. I give her a huge squeeze. A squeeze for the brother-in-law too and I leave via an uber. I’m choked.
I’ve got a massage booked tonight at home but it’s not for a couple of hours so instead, I get back to the to-do list. I message Patient L3 to check she’s still at the hospital. I’m going in tomorrow as I don’t want to sit alone all day on my birthday. Thankfully she’s still there and will be waiting to greet me. Phew. I am also going to have a coffee with Colleague. I’m pleased we are in different groups but also pleased we can talk. We are in similar situations and having an ally would be good.
My masseuse, who I now consider more of a friend given how long I’ve known him, brought me a present as well as the free 2 hour Thai massage. It’s a steam aromatherapy diffuser and an aromatherapy oil. I set it up as he arrives in the hope it will help me chill out even more. He asks how I am doing. I reply but he points out I’ve talked about my sister and mum but not how I am doing. Damn, I thought I was getting to grips with this communication malarkey.
The massage is great. I am feeling really relaxed and I am hoping this will help me get a good night’s sleep. I am surprised I’ve kept going all day on less than 4 hours of sleep.
Stupidly, once the masseuse has gone, I look at Facebook. The memory for today is that I’ve been friends with my sister for 10 years. Well Facebook, it’s a lot longer than that but I love the pictures you’ve put together. I start to feel a mild panic attack coming on. I’m devastated she’s eloping. I would love to make her day so so special. The more I think about this, the more frustrated at the situation I become. I hope my sister knows how much she means to me, I hope she knows I love her very much.
I need to get my life back. I need to take control. Not in a damaging way as in the past, in a positive way. I want to get back to work, I want to be a good friend, I want to be a healthy and happy person. I am going to go to bed at a sensible time and get some sleep. Whilst getting ready for bed, I may as well ease the pain in my mouth by applying the new bonjela. Except I can’t, I’ve bought the wrong one. This version is for cold sores, I know this seems minor but jeez, why can’t I catch a break? I hope tomorrow, birthday and all, goes easy on me.