This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
I kept waking up in the night last night. This isn’t normal for me, especially on the night meds. I hope this doesn’t mean that they are not working anymore. I don’t want to be dependent on them and I also don’t want to need to increase the dose. I manage to fall back to sleep each time but this is bothering me.
I finally wake up at 0900 but decide to stay about in bed for a bit. It takes a while for me to feel ready to face the day.
Once up, I can’t face porridge and tackling healthy food. Even though it only requires 2 minutes and a microwave, both of which I have… I have all the time in the world today as I’ve got nothing planned. Instead, I have 2 donuts. That leaves me with the last 2. A couple of hours later and I have the final 2. They were so good. That last 2 sentences also contained a lot of 2’s! I am really tired and really full so decide to go back to bed and watch a film. The universe has other ideas though and my phone keeps ringing. Fine, I’ll take this as a sign and get back up. I’m still in pjs but I’m up. I decide to watch Beauty & the Beast – the original version. Oh Walt, yet again you make me feel better. Having been at Friends KH & RH I have the taste for the classic Disney movies again. Luckily Sky has quite a few so I may start working my way through them.
Once the movie finishes, I should try and go outside. It’s a stunning day but I am still in pjs. I don’t feel I can face the outside world so instead I watch a bit more tv.
Finally, I get up and into my tracksuit. I do some clearing up around the flat and then go to get the parcels from the boot. This outside trip is also fuelled by the desire for McDonald’s. Sorry everyone, I know I was meant to be sorting this out but it’s not happening today. Drive thru it is.
Once home and my caloric dinner consumed, I finally get my dot-to-dot book out. Colouring and dot-to-dot calm me down. They also keep me occupied. Next up, I start one of my new colouring books. Before I know it, it’s 0500 in the morning. I’ve been sat here for about 8 hours eating and colouring away. I am meant to be going for brunch with a friend tomorrow but I have a feeling I am not going to be on great form. Why so late? Well colouring and eating has meant I’ve not had to think about the difficult conversation I need to have with mum tomorrow during our twice weekly calls. I finally head to bed and I am exhausted. Unsurprisingly.
I wake up at 1000 and cancel brunch. I am too tired. I feel guilty and unsure about cancelling but it was meant to be a bottomless brunch and I don’t think drinking whilst this tired is sensible. I really wish I could face it but I can’t.
I stay in pjs too… and binge a bit… oh crap.
I decide to carry on colouring in the picture from last night in the hope it will calm me down. About an hour into it, I decide to face up to mum. It doesn’t go well. I tell her I was up until 0500 stressing. She asks why… this is it Patient C, tell her she can’t come to the wedding party.
The call disintegrates into an argument. Mum wants to know why I am so worried about my father’s feelings. I try to tell her it’s not his feelings I am trying to protect, how would she feel if she found out he’d turned up as a surprise? She’d be crushed. She tells me this is different, she’s the mother of the bride and needs to be involved in some way. I KNOW THIS MUM! You are not the only one hurting over this situation. She says she should be allowed as she knows my sister’s friends and my father and aunt don’t. I have to say something that I know will hurt her. Mum, our aunt knows some of them better than you, she even went to my sister’s friend’s wedding. Mum gets defensive. I don’t know how I can say this any clearer, mum, I’m sorry, you can’t come. She keeps telling me it’ll only be for one drink. Her and I both know it’s mum we are talking about, 1 drink translates as 5. She’s not listening to me and I don’t know what to do. I start crying. I don’t like crying on the phone to her. I am meant to be the strong one. She tells me she wishes she’d never told me about her idea. Me too mum, me too. We change subject and leave it that she’ll think about it. No mum, no thinking required, do not come!
Why, why do I have to parent my parents? I’m still in pjs and I am still colouring but I’m upset about the call and I make a mistake in my picture. This makes me more upset. I only know how to deal with upset one way… food. I sit colouring and eating for a while longer. Friend GG is texting me telling me to go out. The deli shuts in an hour, why don’t I get changed and get a drink there? I want to, it’s another beautiful day and I’m sat in my flat watching everyone outside celebrating what may be the only 2 days of sunshine the UK are going to get this summer. Friend GG is being strict with me, she gets tough and tells me to get outside. I can’t. I’m going to try to describe what I mean when I say I can’t.
It feels like there are invisible chains keeping me locked to the seat. Every time I visualise going outside, the chains jingle to remind me I am trapped here. My head keeps swinging between “You can do this, go on, you’ll feel better for it” and “hahahahahaha, you can’t do this, you know you can’t. Let me keep you safe in you pjs, dressing gown and locked in the flat”
No, leaving isn’t going to happen, the second voice is louder than the first voice. Yet again, I can smell myself and I don’t mean the light florals of perfume. Yes, I am revolting. If I can smell me, who knows what my cats’ sensitive noses are picking up. I wonder if this is why they are staying clear of me and hanging out on the spare bed.
Whilst Friend GG’s stern messages didn’t get me out the flat, they have made me do some chores. I over ordered on my online clothes shop so I’d have options. I need to send some back to get the refund. I face up to sifting through them, I decide to return more than I thought I would so this is a plus. I lay out clothes for tomorrow and pack the returns back into the delivery bags they came in. I’ll drive in tomorrow and return them after therapy. This is good!
I return to my colouring and mum keeps calling. I answer. We don’t talk about the wedding party, she just wanted to see a picture of my cat colouring. I am not sure if this is her attempt at putting our earlier conversation behind us but I’ll take it.
After a bit more colouring and a lot more chocolate, I decide to tackle some of the blog write ups that are stacking up. This week has been hard. Really bloody hard. Starting the write up triggers a panic attack. Having a panic attack at home is bad. Firstly, there is no one to help me but secondly, having one at home makes me feel I’m getting worse not better. Home is my safe haven, safe havens and panic attacks don’t go hand in hand.
Tomorrow has to be different. Yes, this is probably the 100th time you’ve read this but truly, it really does have to be different. My cleaner is coming and walking back to a clean and organised flat always feels good.
I stay awake trying to calm myself down. Can I face more write ups? No, this is it, this is bed time. Tomorrow’s goal – shower, teeth, drive to day care, return clothes for refund; eat healthy one pot meal and READ. I hope I can do it. Bye bye birthday week 2017, here is hoping birthday week 2018 is a happy one! (Yes, I consider my birthday to last at least 1 whole week, doesn’t every one?).