This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
Friday, Good Friday, will it be though?
I’m exhausted, I don’t know why though, I reckon I was asleep by 2300. I don’t believe it was a disturbed sleep. My alarm goes off at 0700 again but I doze in and out of sleep until 0950. I’m also dreaming about donuts. Seriously, I am dreaming about eating lots of donuts. This is what trying to break the binge addiction is like. It’s far from the first time I’ve dreamt about food.
Once up, I am off track on my plan but, and this is big, I don’t care. As long as I still get things done today, does it matter if it’s not on schedule? No. So, porridge it is in pjs and my dressing gown.
Can you guess what’s next? 10 points (if anyone is still counting how many points they’ve accrued over the blog) if you guessed I moved to the sofa. BINGO. As usual, I can’t tell you what I was watching, it’s more the company of noise rather than actually watching it. I go online and one of my favourite shops have stopped selling their Easter treats. What? Today is Good Friday, there are 3 more days of Easter left. It’s good though, I’d have bought too much and re-started the hoard. Maybe the universe is looking after me. Next up, my favourite activity of going onto the online supermarket and adding whatever naughty things I want to the basket. I’m that addicted to food, that this is a ‘fun’ game for me. I won’t buy them all, at the time I place my next supermarket shop, I’ll remove most, if not all. This is me lusting over them. How sad is that. Seriously, who plays these types of games other than those with disordered eating?
Whatever was on the tv has ended so this is my cue. Let’s not write this day off just yet. It’s 1200 and I am going to make my bed and get dressed. I don’t wash my face, not brush my teeth, instead, it’s lunch time. It’s a microwave healthy meal again. I know nuking food in the microwave is not healthy but I don’t have the energy units to cook at the moment and this is better than binging. I look through my planned food for the day and I have enough calories left in my daily allowance for some chocolate. Oh bliss. I measure it out and put it on the table. Turns out I don’t like this meal so I eat a bit but move onto the banana and then, bliss, refrigerated milk chocolate.
After lunch and I am back on the sofa. I have some day care processing to do which translates as my blog write ups. I am not feeling it though, I don’t know why. I don’t think the last few days were that tough. Although, yes they were, I started talking about my view of relationships. This is tough. This is why I am so desperately craving binge food.
I don’t feel 100%. I’m not sure if I’m getting a cold but I feel really spaced out. I am not sure much is going to get done today. I am not sure if I should be beating myself up about this or just accepting I don’t feel great and that’s why I am not going out. How do ‘Normal’ people deal with this? I decide to sit watching Finding Dory and doing some blog write ups. I don’t think going out is going to happen. The teeth and face might still get done, here’s hoping.
The day ticks by and I have my planned afternoon snack. Cravings or not, I am trying to stay on track. I still don’t feel 100% with it so instead of push myself to go out, I decide to watch another film whilst relaxing. The cats have abandoned me in favour of the spare room bed so I’m all alone. The earlier writes have been posted but I’ve still got 2 days to go. I am putting them off as they aren’t easy days.
I have supper as planned, yet another microwave one pot veggie meal followed by the now standard yogurt. Given I don’t feel quite like myself, I watch a bit more tv and then head to be for an early night. I realise I’ve done nothing creative today and I’ve also been rather slack on my to do list. The idea of an early night is all good and well until I start looking at social media on my phone. Over an hour passes me by without me realising. I need to stop this, I need to enforce a no screen policy for the hour before I go to bed. It seems to take forever to fall asleep tonight, things are whirring around my head and I don’t have answers to them all. It’s highly frustrating. To anyone who can get into bed and fall straight to sleep, never take it for granted, there are many people out there who dream of being able to do that – and I’m not a teeniest bit jealous, honest!