This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
Bank holiday Monday and I’ve made plans. Said plans involve leaving the flat. They should involve washing my hair but the trusted dry shampoo comes to my rescue to allow me to leave getting dressed until the last possible minute. I manage to get my teeth brushed before Friend CT arrives too. Another thing that gets done prior to Friend CT’s arrival is, one week on, I step back on the scales. I’ve lost 2lbs. I’m chuffed. I am going to try really hard not to get obsessed by the scales but still, it’s always good to see the number going down. Friend CT comes bearing a gift, strawberries! This is great, I’ve only got one mini banana left so some strawberries will go down a treat whilst helping the whole scales situation. I am still having one treat a day though, I need it to prevent binging.
We are headed for brunch and I already know what I am going to have, eggs royale, my absolute favourite brunch treat. We also get a flat white and a cheeky amaretto chocolate milkshake. This is pure bliss! These should be part of every brunch. Friend CT and I sit outside which, even though it’s a little chillier than the blueish sky alludes to, is great as I can get some much needed fresh air. We talk about the wedding party, about some times in the past, about how I am doing now I am at home. I tell her about last night and bursting into tears. What I don’t say is that I still think about my plan when struggling and last night hit home how dangerously close I come to reverting to suicide being my only option in life. I know, 0100 in never a great time to deal with emotions and therefore I shouldn’t listen to them, but it scares me. I feel like I can’t see a way out of this dark hole. There are increasingly more times that I feel ok than not ok but, a big but, I still can’t see a happy end to all this shit. I’m massively over thinking, I know, and I’m massively catastrophizing, I know, however, both these rational thoughts are hard to hold onto when balling my eyes out and scaring my cats with my tears.
I can feel myself getting tired so I’m a little relieved when Friend CT says she needs to go and meet her husband. I head back to the flat and instantly get changed back into my pjs. This doesn’t count as a pj day as I have been outside in proper clothes. That’s my logic anyway. I turn on my trusted companion, the tv, for company and then attack my Sudoku book. I can always rely on Sudoku to make me feel in control. After a while, I decide that I am going to do some colouring. It’s been a while and I’ve nearly completed another cat picture, yes yes, I’m still going strong on the crazy cat lady front.
Once the cat is all complete, I move on to a geometric colouring book, what with me liking things in order and all. My phone buzzes and it’s an email from Sister trying to finalise a plan with Father, Stepmum and Aunty to toast her marriage. I give her a quick call to confirm the date and to check that Aunty can stay with her. I am not sure I can manage a guest for 2 nights in my flat at the moment. At least, not my Aunt, who I love, but will require a lot of entertaining. She says that’s fine, especially now she has moved. Just as I thought all was going swimmingly, Sister tells me she’s cross I shared some pictures of the wedding party with Father. Apparently, he’s upset the party was bigger than he thought. Well Sister, firstly you are right, they weren’t mine to share, however, maybe our parents need to face up to the fact that they caused this situation. Maybe, instead of worrying about protecting mum and father, we should tell them as it is. It’s shit they can’t be in the same room 23 years after they separated. It’s shit that we, their two kids, are forced to lie and ‘manage’ situations to avoid any upset. Sister has a different relationship with father than I do hence being a tad more sensitive about it. To be honest, thanks to all the therapy I’ve had, I’m pretty much sick of the situation. Sick being a very literal term given my mental state. So, if this blip in my life only has one outcome, it’s that I am done managing my parents’ emotions, they can stand on their own two feet from now on.
Time flies when you are having fun and heated words with Sister, so I’ve not realised it’s well past supper time. That’s ok, I am not that hungry. I can miss a healthy one pot meal for tonight. Instead I have the oh so healthy snack of popcorn crisps and a chocolate wafer.
Tomorrow I am meeting Friend MI for coffee. We’ve arranged it for the morning as I need something in the morning to get me moving. We’ve also arranged it so I have prime opportunity to walk there and get some much needed exercise. If the coffee was planned for the afternoon, I’d be running the risk of cancelling and definitely not walking.
Sat on the sofa, typing up some notes, the program I am watching but not paying much attention to, focus’ in on a woman who walks up to a bridge in London before throwing herself over it. Wow, suicide is being slammed in my face at the moment. I’ve said this before but to keep repeating myself, if this blog helps just one person, and that person can be me, then it’s done its job. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, hell is very real place when going through this. Let’s end today with a bit of positivity though, throughout this horrible rollercoaster of emotions, I’ve successfully avoided binging. This, dear reader, is what the therapists would call progress.