This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
It’s Tuesday and yet again, I’ve been very sensible and made morning plans. I am up, eating a healthy breakfast (instant porridge, which I appreciate may not actually be that healthy), I am dressed and I think I am ready to face the world. Hello Person C, what has happened to Patient C? Out I venture and I catch the bus no less. This really is remarkable. I have arranged to have coffee with a couple of friends in a location that happens to be near work but not so near that I think I am going to see people I know (or at least that’s what I am hoping).
I arrive and position my back to the window, just in case. Friend MI arrives first followed by Friend AR. Friend MI has seen me whilst in this state but this is the first-time Friend AR is seeing me. I am a bit nervous, how silly is that. Anyway, we drink coffee and catch up and it’s all rather lovely and ‘Normal’.
After coffee, I am determined to get back to walking places. I decide to the walk the couple of miles to the shops nearer home. On route, I get a blister, on the bottom of my foot no less. Blisters anywhere are painful but let me tell you, blisters on the bottom of your feet are horrendous. This isn’t going to work. I am going to have to get the bus for the last mile home. Well, 2 miles is better than 0 miles, so let’s not be too hard on myself.
My schedule, yes, you know, the daily minute by minute schedule that I am not meant to be doing anymore? Yes well, that schedule states that after lunch, I should be going out again to get petrol and return the last of the online L/ XL clothes orders. However, and yes, you could have guessed there would be a ‘however’, I am tired. Talking to friends for an hour, getting the bus twice, a 2 mile walk and all this whilst having to be out in public, well, it’s worn me out. I am tired. So, scrap the plan that I was not meant to be doing anyway and let’s stay at home this afternoon.
Lunch is a healthy one pot meal that’s been nuked in the microwave and I am also magically back in my pjs. After lunch, it’s Sudoku time with the tv for company. It may also have been a nap time. Very much unscheduled, and very much one of those awkward naps when you fall asleep on the sofa. Don’t pretend you don’t know the ones I mean. They are the ones where you wake up feeling worse than when you fell asleep in some part due to the fact your head has fallen back with your mouth wide open readily catching flies. See, you do all know what I mean.
I’ve lost a few hours to said nap and so it’s time for yes, yet another one pot healthy meal, I should really take out shares in this company. After supper, I play with the cats a little and then decide it’s time for an early night. I am clearly worn out having not done very much at all. Tomorrow is day care so I need to be on top form. To try to help me fall asleep, I start reading a book Friend EM bought me. It’s aptly called ‘Reasons to stay alive’ by Matt Haig. This book, as the title may suggest, is great for people who think suicide is the answer. However, if you are not suicidal, can I just say it’s a book you should read too! It’s also great because the chapters aren’t very long. If you are going to try to read whilst depressed, short chapters mean there is less to re-read when you’ve not taken in one single world.
Whilst reading, some thoughts come to mind. One is that I honestly thought I didn’t get the promotion I wanted in December because I’d not walked on the right paving stones. Yes, I know, how did I not see I have OCD. The real reason I didn’t get promoted was because I was slowly but surely unravelling one crazy strand at a time. Funnily enough, losing one’s mind and a corporate office are not a good pairing. In a meeting with my manager about the year-end promotions, after very obviously being told it wasn’t my year, I lost it. I started crying so hard I couldn’t stop. I word vomited some of the crap that was going on in my life and basically dumped it all on the table in front of my manager. Thankfully, my manager is a human being, and a nice one at that. In fact, throughout all this, some patients have described awful experiences with their work place knowing what’s going on. I, on the other hand, have received nothing but support. My biggest regret has been that I didn’t let a couple of key people know how wrong things were going earlier. I regret it got to a detailed excel spreadsheet of the monetary value of my life and a to-do list of things that needed to be done before I killed myself. It’s hard, I mean, it’s not exactly light coffee banter:
Me: What would you like?
Colleague: Flat white please
Me: Great, I’ll get those and then I’d really like to discuss the fact that I’m planning to throw myself in front of the fast train to Manchester, ok?
Colleague: Why yes, of course, that’s just what I wanted to talk about too
See what I mean. Anyway, I digress, the book is great, I highly recommend it. It’s especially great when one of the quotes is:
‘Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans’
As a serious planner, this is spot on what’s happened to me. I’ve spent so long planning, my suicide and all, that life has passed me by to some extent. I’ve realised, I seem to think of myself as a child. Except for the times I am trying to juggle being a ‘good adult’ to everyone, I, deep inside, feel like a child. I feel like everyone around me has the answers and knows what’s going on in the world. Me on the other hand, I am a little lost child who doesn’t know any of the answers. Everyone around me is right and I am wrong. So, what do I feel now as I am about to go to bed, the night before a day care day? I feel really shit. I am worried I feel this sad whilst on this amount of medication. Surely, I should be ‘fixed’ by now. Surely, I should be back in the real world, trying to be a good adult? Well, given that’s not on the agenda for the next few days, maybe I can stop worrying? And talk about this in therapy?