This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
I wake up at 0830 to my boy cat talking. He sounds a bit like a baby crying and the cry sounds different. I don’t get up though, I half doze, half dream for another 15 minutes before finally making it out of bed. Oh, he might have been crying, the two fuzz balls have locked themselves in the spare bedroom. They aren’t happy with me.
I feed them and then sit down for some cereal. I don’t measure it out but I am taking a good guess it’s more than the recommended serving. Once finished, I sit on the sofa. I have a facial and pedicure booked for later but I am not excited. This is another thing that should cheer me up but instead, I wish I could cancel. I can’t, I’d still have to pay so I may as well go. I need to wash my hair too. That feels like a big ask. I sit on the sofa contemplating my plan for the day and somehow, my hand has crept into the M&S bag, curled its fingers around the iced & spiced buns, and returns them to my lap. Well, it would appear that this is going to be a very big breakfast. I start eating. They aren’t as soft and lovely as I remembered. In fact, I am not really enjoying them. I finish them both, even though I am not enjoying them. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know either. I think this may have cured my iced & spiced addiction. I sit on the sofa for a bit longer until the program on tv finished. I’m compelled to sit, due to my rules, until either an interval or the end of the program.
Right Patient C, you are in the upright position. Now, sort the recycling and get in the shower. I do. I am in the shower and the water is hot. Before I know it, I am brushing my teeth. Before I know it, I am clean and getting dressed. I order an uber and I am out the door. Patient C, this is a treat, you deserve treats just like the rest of the world. You have to pay for it whether you enjoy it or not so, sit here, in the moment, and try to enjoy it. Try to relax and remember that you are worthy of nice things. The facial is first and it’s bliss. My skin is still not great thanks to a mixture of meds and my recent mini binges. This will do just the trick. To add to the relaxing vibes, whilst the face mask sets, I get a head massage.
Next up, time to sort out the mess that are my feet. I’ve been wearing ill-fitting shoes and my feet have been decimated. A pedicure will hopefully return my trotters back to ‘Normal’. The lovely lady asks if I’d like a drink. Do you know what, I would. I’d like glass of prosecco. I am going to sit in the chair, sipping the bubbles and reading. I’ve brought my book with me and I am trying to create the ultimate relaxing afternoon. It works. I feel like I may, just may be starting to relax. I’ve picked a metallic gold colour for my nails and my feet are starting to look like they should. Whilst they dry, I sit and read a bit longer. When I reach the end of the next chapter, it’s time to go. I don’t really want to. This feels like the first bit of relaxation in the last few days. I don’t want to say good bye to it. I pay, get an uber and get home whilst crossing my fingers that I can carry this feeling with me.
At home, on the sofa, I’m hungry so I tuck in to some of the food I bought yesterday. A sandwich, some crisps, some wine gums and the other half of the yum yums that got opened yesterday. I know, it’s too much. I can’t explain why I am self-sabotaging what was a relaxing day.
Colleague messages me to see how my day has been. I messaged them yesterday to see how they were doing. I wonder if there is something in the water as both of us are struggling. It’s nice to know there is someone on the other end of a phone who gets what’s going on. Colleague loves fitness and has been to the gym today. I feel a pang of guilt and jealousy. My body is not my temple, maybe that’s part of why my mind is a garbage bin. I want to get my fitness back but starting is the hardest part. I have moments of thinking that I can do this, I can get walking and eat sensibly. I also have moments of thinking stuff this for a laugh, I am fat and disgusting so I may as well stay this way. You can guess which thought wins most of those arguments.
I finally pick myself off the sofa and start blog post write ups. These are hard and it’ll be the first blog posts since my out of character admittance how bad I am feeling. I’ve received some comments on my recent posts and it’s such an incredible feeling to think that people are grateful to read what I’ve written. I’ve always assumed I can’t do anything like write due to being constantly reminded of my dyslexia but it appears there are people on this planet who can see past a few typos and grammatical errors. I want to thank all of you!
I’ve got my twice monthly massage tonight. It was to help me have a really relaxing day. I am on edge though. I don’t feel that relaxed anymore and now I feel guilty for having so many nice things in one day. I have a question, do people ever worry that the masseuse thinks they have fallen asleep? Or is this another ‘ism’ of mine? I feel I need to keep showing that I am still awake and grateful for the massage. Oh blimey, I am even trying to people please the person I am paying to give me a massage. Patient C, this really must stop!
The massage is lovely, I feel like I’ve had a top to toe overhaul today. I am tired and I am going to try to listen to my body and go to bed at a sensible time. I did it yesterday so I can do it again tonight. I also hope that I can start to feel some hope and in doing so, can motivate myself to move, eat properly and talk openly with Dr. E. There may just be a pig flying somewhere in the world right now, it may not be merely a pipe dream.