This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
Having slept badly thanks to downstairs, I wake up feeling flat and cross. Neither are much fun. I send a short and firm text to downstairs. This is the second time in only a few days. Today’s thing to get me out the house is lunch with Friend FC and God Daughter EC. We are meeting in a large shopping centre. The kind that scares the shit out of me. You all know what I mean, the ones that are mini villages all of their own with food halls, car show rooms and ruffled looking mums and nanny’s desperately trying to stop their little angels screaming the place down. I am tired but I recognise that it’s important I leave the house. Any thoughts of Pilates are long gone as I sit down for breakfast. Today’s shower is non-negotiable though, my hair is revolting even by my depression standards.
To continue the success of trying to overcome public transport, I take the train again. I’m early so wonder into WHSmiths to waste some time. As I walk in, right in front of me is a whole section dedicated to cat stationary. You read this right, cats + stationary = the dream! Obviously, I need to get myself something. It’s terribly exciting to pass this opportunity by. So, glittery pencil case, water bottle and page markers acquired, I go to meet my friend and God daughter. We have lunch and I stick to a sensible order again to ensure this binge free streak continues. Friend FC wants a fun night out soon and I second that. If we just bribe Friend JC into babysitting his two little girls for a whole evening then count me in. We also talk about how I am doing. I don’t know. I mean, I’m obviously making progress as, although each morning has consisted of a mini battle in my head, I’ve made it outside. Being outside has meant I have to be dressed and I’ve also done my teeth each day. However, I am exhausted and my mood is slowly heading south.
After lunch, Friend FC needs to collect Child NC and asks if I want to come back with her for a bit. I do but I’ve not got the energy to be any form of company to anyone, let alone hyper little kids running around. Instead, I decide to walk home. It’s closer than I ever realised and I need to keep moving. I have started to find walking cathartic. At first, it was not fun. My head having to remind my legs what to do. Now, I am walking and thinking things through. My mood is a bit grey, like the sky. It’s not thunderous yet but it feels like it could head that way. The same can be said for the weather and within a few seconds, it’s pouring down. I bail out of walking the rest of the way home and jump on a bus.
Once wrapped up in pjs and my dressing gown, I hit play on the film ‘Sing’. It’s just what I needed to lift my mood for 90 minutes. I move on to the film ‘Sully’. This is less of what my head needed. Although we know it has a good outcome, it’s still quite heavy for a depressive. I am struggling with something but I don’t know what it is. I know I am struggling because I am desperate to binge. Cookies, crisps, whole boxes of cereal, chocolate etc. I don’t but it takes some will power. Due to the cravings, I decide an early night it the easiest way to avoid this going wrong. I sort some recycling – I really do do this a lot! – then head to bed. There has been no response to my morning text message so fingers crossed it won’t happen again. My step count is at 9,ooo and that’s what I call a wrap for the day.