This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
I don’t have any plans today. That’s dangerous and even though I am up before 0800 and stick to the food plan for breakfast, I can already feel my resolve to go for a walk disappearing. It’s only my second day with nothing planned since the end of day care and I have plans for tomorrow so maybe staying at home today isn’t such a bad idea? (Yes, I know, this is my brain lying to me, of course it’s a terrible idea to stay inside!)
I spend the day sat on the sofa doing a lot of Sudoku. I have lunch at the right time and my afternoon snack. The thing is, I am still in my pjs. This is a sure sign things are not ok. I’ve also not done any colouring or dot-to-dot in a while. I’m holding it hostage. I can only do it if I’ve earnt it. Yes, I know, this is ridiculous. I can see that now it’s in black and white in front of me. Brains are remarkable things really, it manages to lie and bully me whilst still making the rest of my body function.
The day passes in a blur and before I know it, it’s supper time. I give Mum a quick call to check something with her. Whilst on the phone, Mum tells me she’s decided to go to the carer and family session at the hospital. She’s going to the one about panic attacks. This is big. My mum doesn’t do well with outward appearances that anything is wrong so to go to the hospital for the workshops is huge. She’s trying, really really trying to understand.
I head to bed and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. I have plans tomorrow and they involve walking and seeing a friend. I continue reading and because I am near the end of the book, I decide to keep going until I’ve finished. That was not a clever idea! I don’t finish the book until 0200. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.