This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
I am awoken to a slobbery labradoodle kiss. Friends DG and AG have a puppy and a broken door handle to the spare room, that equals a new way to be woken up! As I am yet to find out, it also equals havoc!
Friend DG makes me scrambled cheesy eggs and salmon for breakfast. It’s delicious and a good way to start the day. We head out to take Puppy BG for a walk at a nearby park. Friends DG and AG live in the same city I went to Uni, hence how they’ve managed to buy a house next door to one of my uni best friends, Friend AI and BI. I loved uni so I always love being back here. Before the walk even starts, we stop at the ice cream van, I am not going to care about fat and over eating this weekend. I will eat what is ‘Normal’ and given that Friend DG, AG and Puppy BG are all having an ice cream, so am I. It’s tasty!
We walk for about an hour and Puppy BG loves it! He has so much energy, it’s so cute to watch. Sadly though, walking in a dress when you are medically obese has it’s downsides. Fat. Girl. Rub. If you don’t know what that is, consider yourself very lucky and move on. If you do, I feel your pain, literally. The walk has done my step count some good as well as a good chance to natter with my friends in the sun. It’s starting to cloud over as we head back and it looks like it could rain.
We divide an concur to get some chores done and some more food in for Friend DG’s birthday BBQ tomorrow. Friend AG and I are also on a secret mission for a birthday cake. Whilst at the till, I spot the magazine ‘Breathe’ which Friend AG buys for me. I can’t recommend it highly enough. It’s well thought out and the articles are good reminders that we can get through this. I’ll be asking for a subscription for Christmas!
Back at the house, Friend DG makes a very healthy and nutritious lunch. They’ve not been reading the blog recently but the nutritious dense food is appreciated to help beating the binging. After lunch, the heavens open so we decide to watch a film. Fine by me, I am surprisingly tired so a film and some cuddles with Puppy BG is perfect.
My sister calls an asks if I fancy going to Father’s place in Wales. I love the house in Wales, it’s literally in the middle of no where and I find it so therapeutic to be so cut off from the world. It’s a rare opportunity to spend time with him and just him. My father seems incapable of meeting Sister and I without Stepmum in tow so this really is rare. Sister is on half term so is considering it. It throws me, a lot. I need to think about it. Whilst I’d like to go, I don’t know if I can handle it without her. This has the potential to make or break my relationship with Father so handling this alone feels too much. Also, I’ve planned out my days for the week (yes, really, the insane planning is back) and I don’t feel comfortable changing the plans. I need to think about this.
After the film, we head out for pizza. When we get back, Puppy BG has rapidly gone down my ‘love of pets’ list (no, not an actual list but maybe I should start one!). We walk in the door and Puppy BG has gone into the spare room, picked up my 31-year-old teddy and used him as a chew toy. Happy, my beloved elephant has been violated! I am upset but try not to show it. Happy is wet and slobbery but I think he’ll survive. I try to laugh it off. Puppy BG has also gone in my suitcase and chewed on some underwear. Great.
I try not to get too upset about Happy and message Mum and Sister. Mum replies with ‘An ode to Happy’! It makes me laugh so that’s all that matters. She reminds me he’s had a good life, travelled far and wide and couldn’t go on forever. Well, I’m determined to keep him going for a few more years!
It’s been a good night’s sleep and I am looking forward to the BBQ later. I am a little anxious about the amount of people and the fact I don’t know everyone but I am pleased I can make it at all. A few months ago, I’d have had to lie to excuse myself as I wouldn’t have been able to face it. 2 of their friends can’t stay for the whole BBQ so arrive early for brunch. We head around the corner where their friends discover my insane planning ability. The friends are Spanish and the female is utterly lost for words in both English and Spanish at my scheduling. She doesn’t understand how anyone can live like this. She wants to know how I plan for sex and love. Well, that’s easy, if it’s not in the plan so it’s not going to happen! They are genuinely speechless. Maybe I really should try to live a little more spontaneously.
We get back from brunch and blooming Puppy BG has now eaten my glasses. Enter expletives here. They are new, I only got them when in hospital, I can’t afford to replace them but I can’t not replace them either. Shit. I don’t know what to say or do. Friend AG offers to pay for them but I know how much my specialist lenses cost, it’s not cheap. I’m worrying now, a lot. To add to this, more of their friends arrive and I don’t know anyone. I duck out to the spare room and sit and hide for a bit. The broken glasses plus needed to talk to people is all too much right now.
I make it outside and I manage to talk to people. Some of their friends I remember from their wedding so it’s not as scary as I imagined. I retreat to the spare room a few times but only for breaks, overall, I manage to be outside for most the party. This is a big step forward. Plus, acknowledging I can’t handle it all is a healthy positive. I was able to take care of myself.
During one of my quick hiding breaks, Father sends a pissed off text asking if we are or are not going to Wales with him. I reply explaining I only got told yesterday and due to appointments, I can’t go but maybe see him another time. I’m avoiding all his calls, I don’t know how to handle them. Thankfully, I am so worried about his response to my message that I run away from it, literally. I leave my phone in the room and head back to the party for a bit more BBQ fun.
The party moves insides as it starts to rain. It’s 23:15 and I take this as my cue to head to bed. The party has been good but I can’t handle the shots and continued merriment underway in the living room. I think my head and liver will be thankful of this in the morning!
I wake up at quite early but head back to bed for a bit until I hear Friends DG and AG get up. Friend DG has a sore head and I must admit I am feeling rather smug. I’d planned to drive back to London today, hoping that bank holiday Monday would mean some less congested roads but Friends DG and AG are thinking about heading to the coast to introduce Puppy BG to the sea. Ha, Puppy BG has had a lot of introductions this weekend don’t you think? My broken glasses are going to be an expensive reminder! Friend DG says his hangover isn’t too bad so we pile in the car and head off. I could have happily sat and had a movie day, which was our second option but after the long drive, the fresh sea air hits me and it’s oh so very good. There is something so calming about being on the beach by the sea, even if it’s a grey day in the UK and the sea is a weird dirty grey colour. Puppy BG loves it and manages to worm his way back into my list of pets I love, again. Friend DG is in trainers and Friend AG is in boots, I however, packed during the heat wave so have only got flip flops or brand new leather shoes. I’ve picked the flip flops for today. I felt silly as we walked down to the beach looking at everyone in their winter coats but now I am on the beach, I think I’m the winner of the most suitable shoes! Go me! I paddle in the sea and I’m so pleased we’ve managed to get out the house and here.
After a couple of hours frolicking in the sand, introducing Puppy BG to crabs and seaweed and strolling alone the grey beach, it’s time for a Great British tradition, fish and chips. There is something about eating fish and chips whilst breathing in sea air that makes them taste even better.
We head on to another area just around the corner and discover Puppy BG has managed to gain a friend, or foe is probably more accurate. He has a tick by his eye. Friend AG, a self-confessed non-animal person is sat cooing over Puppy BG in the back seat. Welcome to being a fur mum! You’ll worry about them a lot over their life time. We manage to remove the tick and carry on with the day out. I then remember that in the last year of junior school, we came here as our year trip. It was to learn about smuggling but also, a rite of passage for getting through Junior House. I’d completely forgotten all about it! As we walk around, there are families crabbing off the pier. When I was little, at the beach in Wales, I used to love crabbing. It makes me think that maybe I should go to Wales with Father. Next, we hit the 2p slots. This is another fond memory with Father from our trips to Wales. Sadly, today, lady luck isn’t with us and we lose a whopping £3. That’s a lot of 2ps we’ve lost!
After some more wondering, we are all pretty shattered so head back to the car for the 2-hour drive back. I am so pleased I am staying another night as all the fresh sea air has worn me out.
Friend AG gets cooking and rustles up a very tasty green soup with asparagus, coconut oil and chicken. My body is sighing with happiness as the nutrients it’s receiving. I’ve got cramps so after supper, I have a hot shower – I think this was an excuse to make sure I washed before going home – and Friend AG has made me a cinnamon tea and hot water bottle. I feel so loved and taken care of, it’s a great feeling.
We all need an early night and I fall asleep quickly. Today has been a great day.