This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
I’d had today all planned out. I really desperately need to get my glasses fixed and it’s very close to my office, I was going to grab a coffee with Friend ML. I was nervous about being so close to the office, I don’t want to have to answer any awkward questions if I see people. Needn’t worry though. Last night was an awful night sleep and so instead, I am staying at home. I cancel on Friend ML, cancel on taking my glasses in to be mended, in fact, let’s just cancel on the day entirely. It’s 1030 by the time I make it out of bed and I tuck into a late breakfast. I am still in pjs and my dressing gown. I am feeling wobbly today. I can’t pinpoint why. I can’t pinpoint what. I am wobbly and I don’t know how to fix it.
I sit on the sofa for a couple of hours before lunch which, as planned, is healthy and full of veg. I’m still feeling very wobbly though. I should shower. My last shower was on Tuesday night, it’s now Thursday. In terms of dirtiness, I am still going well, it doesn’t hit ‘bad’ for another 24 hours at least. I don’t shower. I can’t face it. Dry shampoo continues to be my hero without a cape. I am going to the cinema and staying at Friend U’s tonight. We are going to a cinema that serves wine, gourmet snacks and comfortable seats with tables. I’ve not been to the cinema for ages, let alone a cinema a la wine and tables!
Today’s 30 day of happiness challenge is to look at old pictures. I’ve included one below. If I could turn back time, I’d tell that beautiful little baby that’s she’s perfect just the way she is. Maybe then I wouldn’t be fighting my own mind so much now. Also! Blog, meet Happy The Elephant, Happy, meet the blog!
As I arrive at Friend U’s house, I get a call from Father. I’ve been avoiding his calls but I need to face up to him at some point. He wants me to go to the cottage in Wales with him to get away and to help our relationship. I am not sure being in the middle of nowhere, with no mobile signal, lots of whiskey, an axe, a chainsaw and just my Father and I sounds like a good combination. Father cracks me up. He asks how I’m doing and I say the standard: 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I am about to go on to tell him about work but his interjects. Father always has to ‘top trump’ anything in my life. So, you know, being suicidal is one thing but did I know he chopped the top off his finger at the weekend? No, having not spoken to you, I didn’t. Turns out the top of his finger is actually him stretching the truth of a bad cut. Another example is when I burnt my arm a few years ago on a coffee. The burn was worse than I realised but thanks to some lovely nurses, it’s all good. I’d told him that and before I could even finish explaining what had happened, he was telling me that my coffee burn was nothing as he once burnt his foot with water from a pot of pasta and the doctors were so worried about it, they talked about amputation. Note: Having asked Mum about this, she laughed. Yes, he burnt his foot, yes it did need seeing, no it was nowhere near amputation/ future problems etc etc. I decide to end the call, I don’t need to prove anything to him and I don’t need to listen to his ‘woe is me’ chat.
Friend U (I’ve completely lost track of the friend and patient alphabet so I am assigning a random letter) admits they are on antidepressant medication. Not only are they on it but they’ve had to increase their dose again recently having previously reduced it. Friend U’s family have a very similar view to Mum: ‘admitting this will ruin your career’; ‘you are impacting your future health, your potential children’s health and your ability to get insurance’. Friend U knows that their family is only worried about them and wants the best for them but oh my, this kind of attitude really flabbergasts me. Friend U was not suicidal however, had they not increased their medication, who knows how bad it could have gotten. Without medication and the intervention of the hospital, I wouldn’t be here now. Yes, it will impact my career, yes, it may well have a negative impact on my future health, I have no clue what this will do to any potential children I may have and as for medical insurance, maybe I’ll never be able to get it again but at the time I most desperately needed it, I had it and it has paid thousands and thousands of pounds to help me get my shit back together. Rant over, final point, to any friends on medication for any reason, you are not alone. You are not the only one. If you want to talk, I make be an incoherent mess but I’ll listen!
I’m regretting the glass of wine at the cinema but overall, as per usual, getting out and seeing a friend has been better than I thought it would be. It’s done me good. We’ve had a healthy supper, I’ve left the flat, and I’ve made human contact!