This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
Sorry for the absence, I have had a rough few days so getting through them took priority. Fingers crossed I’ll get some sleep tonight (Monday) which will help me feel a bit less of a wreck tomorrow
Wednesday morning and I slept solidly last night and wake up later than usual. I evidently needed it but can’t help but feel a tad guilty for the lie in. I’ve also had a nightmare. It’s based back at my school. The drama teach has cast me in a really rubbish role and I am panicking that without a better role, I am going to fail my A-Levels (yes, all of them). I panic, cry, beg, cry, try to prove I was off school ill rather than skiving and cry a bit more. These nightmares are really realistic. I hate them as I wake up feeling so anxious. Obviously, I did pass my A-levels and I went on to uni but yet the thought of a drama teacher not liking me plus fear over not passing exams apparently still haunt me.
Once breakfasted, I head out to meet Friend LR. She works near me and so we are going to have a lunch time stroll. When I arrive she greets me with purple flowers. Flowers always brighten a place up, and they serve as a little reminder that my friends do love me. We walk and talk about how this all happened, how I am doing and what’s next. Oh Friend LR, I wish I knew. I want to go back to work but people are telling me I am not ready. I want to be ‘better’ but I don’t know what the new ‘me’ looks like (physically and mentally!). It’s struck me that the future must be different to the past. I was barely surviving. That’s not a way to live.
Friend LR heads back to work but hopefully we can meet up next week too. It’s gotten me out the house on a day that I could have easily stayed in bed.
I really can’t postpone collecting my prescription any longer so I get a bus to the hospital. I have no idea if any of Group 1 are still in there. I get a sense of nervousness as I get closer to the hospital. I don’t want to see anyone that I knew ‘then’. It feels like a then and now. Not that I think the ‘now’ is the end of this journey, just that I am less likely to completely fall apart now when the smallest thing goes wrong. I am not a quivering wreck on the outside and inside (it definitely still happens on the inside!).
Prescription collected, I hot foot it back to the bus stop managing to avoid seeing anyone I know. My step count could do with a boost so I get off about 1 mile away from home. Handily, there is a Boots so I can get my magic meds and then walk the last 20 minutes. There is a long wait at Boots but I don’t mind, I am not in a rush. People are complaining about the wait time but to be honest, like everyone in life, they are doing their best and sometimes it’s a case of taking a deep breath and accepting things are annoying.
Why is it that when you are on a budget with very little to spare, you instantly want to by EVERYTHING! It’s like the shops know and they’re putting all their best bits in the window. I’ve got a stock pile of sweet things but very little savoury so, I decide to try to do this like a ‘Normal’ person. I go into Tesco and buy a large bag of salted peanuts. This is going to be a real test. Can I consume these in measured portions and not scoff the whole large bag? Plus, this is a whole £1.32 of my budget gone. I continue my walk home and pass a Planet Organic. I am in love with everything in this shop. This shop is phenomenally overpriced though so, window shop is a yes yes yes and purchase is a no no no.
I walk all the way home and even manage to pop into the local lock shop about the building’s broken entry buzzer – something that has been on the to do list for a very long time! It gives me a minor sense of accomplishment.
Once home, it’s an instantaneous change into pjs and dressing gown before turning on the TV. Channel 4 has been showing a program call ‘The Trial’ which I’ve recorded but not yet watched. Now is not the time to watch it either. I fall asleep with my mouth wide open in a very attractive pose on the sofa. I am literally catching flies. Once I wake up, I have that unexpected nap drunkenness about me. It also makes it likely that I will struggle to sleep tonight. Damn it. I make supper, as planned and at the table writing up blog entries. Boy cat comes to keep me company which is much appreciated.
I head to bed feeling confused. I feel like things are both moving forward and moving backwards simultaneously. I’m slipping into some old habits that aren’t that helpful – the internal punitive monologue as an example – and I am not using all the new techniques I’ve been taught such as the finger tracing breathing technique. I need to both try harder and relax more all in the same breath. No wonder this illness is so misunderstood, it’s a confusing situation for everyone! Hopefully some of the confusion will lift after another good night’s sleep.
This picture has no relevance other than my Boy cat now likes to sit on my wine collection – a man after my own heart!