This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
I’m up and eating breakfast by 0715. I’ve slept but it doesn’t feel like it. Try and sit on the sofa but I can’t keep my eyes open. I give in. I am going back to bed.
I’ve been back in bed for an hour until the postman wakes me up. It’s a parcel for the new tenants. I wouldn’t have minded getting up if it was for me but I feel cheated at the discovery it’s for someone else. To compensate, I open some chocolate. Rooky error Person C, rooky error. The tone has been set and the day is a blur of biscuits, chocolate and lots of sitting on the sofa. If sofa sitting was a sport, I’d hold a lot of the world records for it. Somehow, I waste the whole day in this pattern and it’s not good for my depression. Being locked in the flat is bringing me down. I try to do something productive. I’ve not even managed to get dressed yet so we are starting at a low bar.
In the end, I reply to some texts including telling masseuse I need to cut back. This is really new for me. Maybe, just maybe, I am learning to talk about things I need to talk about. I also reply to a work mentor with 100% honesty about what I am thinking and feeling. I don’t cover it up, gloss over it or ignore the message
It’s time for night meds and oh please can I sleep. Staying in the flat isn’t good for me, not washing isn’t good for me. I’m not sure if I have plans to meet Colleague tomorrow or not. I know I should put plans in place but I am still annoyed they are getting to discuss going back to work before me.
I do some colouring to try to lift my mood a bit before bed and realise I am very behind on my 30 days of Happiness challenge. I still haven’t done the list of 10 things I am good at. It’s hard. Really really hard. I challenge all of you to do it. Honestly, sit down right now and list 10 things you do well. Ill or not ill, this is a valuable task for everyone. This is mine:
10 things I do well:
- I am good at being a friend. Probably not 100% of the time but at least 80% of the time and isn’t that life’s rule, 80:20?
- I am good at adult colouring: I am very neat and try very hard to stay inside the lines
- I am good at taking care of others: Family, friends or complete strangers, if someone needs help, I will do anything I possibly can to help them, at times to my own detriment
- I am good at planning: Ha, well, if it’s going to be a detriment in my life, then it can also be a positive
- I am good at Sudoku: No real surprise there
- I am good at talking: if it’s nothing personal or remotely about me, I can get up and do a presentation, talk to clients/ strangers etc with relative ease
- I am good at recycling: Laugh all you like but I really am good at it, there is nothing more satisfying that sorting as much recycling as possible so as little as possible goes in the bin
- I am good at dry shampoo hair styling: I know, I know, I said this isn’t what the list is looking but it’s true and I am struggling to think of anything else
- I am good at making gourmet cheese on toast: I’m digging deep now guys! (Friends AG and DG, remember my cheese on toast on holiday?)
- I am good at working hard: Whatever it is, if I set my mind to it, I will give it my all
And with that, I am done with the day. I am going to crawl back under my duvet and hide.