This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
I wake up and actually get up at the time my alarm goes off. This is the first time in a long while! I’ve got my 1:1 with Therapist L at 09:00 so I need to factor in London rush hour to make sure I am not late. I have a healthy breakfast, get dressed and head out the door. No taxi needed today. I washed my hair last night, I know I did but it doesn’t look or feel great today. Maybe it was so dirty, one wash wasn’t going to cut through the grease? Maybe I need one of those washing up liquids that advertises how it can instantly ‘cut through tough grease and grime’?
The 1:1 is hard. It’s felt like I’ve had a couple of weeks off, mainly because I have had exactly a couple of weeks off. Getting back in the swing of it is like going back to school after half term. I’d forgotten how draining it is. We talk about my OCD and the conversation with Friend XYZ on Friday. We are going to work on my teeth brushing first. I fundamentally need to take care of them. I can’t afford to lose another one at the almighty cost of £3,000 for a new implant. I either have to break my ritual or have to factor enough time into my night routine to do the whole ritual.
I have scheduled to walk to the gym and have another swim before driving to Friends KH and RH. The thing is, I’ve never done the whole walk, even though I was going to do it every day whilst at day care. Can I? Sod it, yes, I can. I walk all the way to the pool and to really prove a point, I don’t swim for 30 minutes, no no, I swim for 37 minutes. Those extra 7 minutes are important. Go me. I walk home (seriously, who is this person and what have you done with Person C?), and, to really round the success off, I have the remaining 2 chocolate ring donuts (ah, Person C, there you are!). I’ve done more that 10,000 steps and it’s only just 12:30. Yippee. The donuts are followed by some strawberries, got to have a balanced diet, right? I chuck some clothes in a bag, have a shower and wash my hair – I make sure to thoroughly lather it this time, trying to get all the grime – before head to the car.
The drive takes a couple of hours and I feel quite close to tears. I don’t know why. I’ve felt this morning was a success to be honest so my own emotional state is taking me somewhat by surprise. I manage to keep the tears at bay but I have a feeling I am going to be a rotten guest for the next few days.
I am greeted at the door by Child MH! She is very excited to see me, as I am to see her. The thoughts of crying are quickly gone once having a hug from this little cutey. Friend KH is ready to pass Baby HH straight over to me for some baby cuddling therapy whilst also telling me about the home made, vegetable packed menu for the next few days. Ah, Friend KH, my body will thank you!
We sit chatting and having a glass of wine or two before heading to bed. The bonus of staying here is the early nights, having a toddler and baby is apparently knackering! Fine by me, means I will hopefully get a whole night’s sleep. Tomorrow’s activities include a chocolate milkshake and a marmalade chocolate muffin, I’m genuinely very excited!