This is a blog about depression. If you are easily offended or take offence to my very sarcastic humour, please do not read any further. Mental illness is not a joke; it is not something to point fun at and I fully understand that. BUT…when the going gets tough, sarcasm and humour is my defence and so I will be parading it around all over this blog.
If you need help, please get it. Whilst I hope this has a happy ending, I don’t know yet and given I’ve not been able to fix myself, I really don’t want others using this as a ‘How To Be Happy for Beginners v2.0’
Child MH is at play school today so Friend KH, Baby HH and I head out to a nearby town. It’s another beautiful day but in my black trousers, I’m feeling very hot. What guys don’t realise is that weather like this is very inconvenient for women. We have to tackle the body hair before we can even contemplate putting a dress or skirt on. Simple you may think but no, alas, it isn’t. Being hair free requires planning and organisation. 2 things I would normally say I am good at but when you are a somewhat crazy person who lives with 2 cats, I often don’t feel the need to de-hair myself. The cats don’t seem to have any strong opinion on the state of my leg hair. Timing of de-hairing is key too. I have a wedding on Saturday which definitely requires being de-haired for so I can’t shave my legs today as it won’t have grown enough to then be silky smooth for the wedding. See, men, you really do have it easier. I know some women may be reading this and rolling their eyes stating we don’t need to de-hair just because that’s the norm in society. I completely agree, if you are comfortable as you are, go right ahead. I applaud you (and am somewhat jealous of you too) however, I am doing this for no other reason than it makes me feel better about myself too.
So, back to overheating in the black jeans, we stroll around the shops a bit which allows me to get a Father’s Day card. This isn’t a simple task as a lot of Father’s Day cards have very gushy lines on the front about ‘You’re the best dad ever’, or ‘greatest dad in the whole world’. Well, I just can’t bring myself to send one of those to Father as most of the statements, in my mind, do not apply. I find the least gushy one and stick with that. Whilst wondering, we also head to an old fashioned sweet shop. They do proper pick n’ mix with the old-fashioned greats like rhubarb and custard boiled sweets and rosy apple boiled sweets. Both Friend KH and I get a ‘healthy’ selection before heading for something a tad more nutritious in the form of lunch. It’s hot and sunny so we sit outside. We really put the world to rights, I can only guess that the people on the surrounding tables are chuckling at the pace and content of our chat. We seem to switch topics remarkably quickly yet somehow stay in sync with each other.
Having acquired a bottle of rosé for Friend RH and I tonight, we head off back to the house and then to collect Child MH. When we arrive, she proudly tells her playschool teacher I am Bam Bam. Yay. It’s so lovely to be so loved. I know my friends all love me, they’ve all be so completely awesome with this blip in my life but to have a little girl break into smile always warms the heart. I am tired and could have stayed at the house whilst Friend KH went to get Child MH but I am pleased I’ve come too. Increasingly, I seem to be handling more and more things in one day. I am taking this as a sign of the slow movement towards ‘Normal’. It’s nice to see that I am less vacant and able to take part in life rather than watching it from behind an invisible screen. Today has been another ‘good day’. That’s 2 in a row. This is progress for sure. Last week was not good at all so I am relieved to see some good days. Maybe, just maybe, I am heading in the right direction.
We get back to the house and it’s a quick change into pjs for both Friend KH and I. Whilst upstairs, both Friend KH and I hear Child MH saying something about ‘just eating…’. We both fly down the stairs to find Child MH looking very proud of herself for managing to get into my apple laces sweets. We start laughing even though Friend MH is trying to tell Child MH she’s been naughty. The thing I am more concerned with is the half she threw away. Dear Child MH, never, and I mean NEVER, throw away sweets. They are precious commodities to me!
Just as we are settling on the sofa, and rapidly approaching ‘acceptable wine o’clock’ again, Mum calls to ask if I can drive via hers on my way home tomorrow. No Mum, I can’t. It’s not on my way home and I can’t be at your beck and call. I tell her that. She seems to take it but does ladle some motherly guilt onto me stating she would really like to talk to me, I’m worrying her and please don’t forget this is hard on her too. Yes Mum, I am aware. You manage to remind me of this a lot.
Next up, Sister sends me a text: ‘Shit, it’s Father’s Day at the weekend, what should we do? xxx’. This annoys me. Yes, it is Father’s Day, I’ve already got a card as I have remembered and therefore thought through sending it to him. I tell her I have a card and should I sign it for her? Yes, is the answer. This infuriates me. Friend KH has noticed I seem to be more annoyed at Sister than usual. I don’t know why she’s frustrating me so much but Friend KH is right, I really am harbouring some resentment towards her.
Supper tonight is lamb, being cooked for is brilliant. We follow the lamb with some whiskey smoked cheese. I never buy cheese at home. Living on your own seriously impedes your food purchases I find. I love cheese but most portions are too big for me to only have a little at night. This is also excuse I make for eating whole large bags of crisps, not buy fresh vegetables and eating piles of biscuits. You see, the mind is very clever at finding evidence to support your own hypothesis.
Being with friends for the last few days has done me so much good. I need to be more disciplined with making plans each week. More than 1 day at home and things start going downhill and rapidly. It’s the little things like someone to talk to. I mean, I talk to my cats all the time but it tends to be a very one-sided conversation. The other reason that having a 2-way conversation is useful is that friends help me understand what’s a ‘Normal’ reaction vs. what’s my depressed, anxious and OCD reaction. Friend KH thinks it is annoying Sister can’t get her own Father’s Day card so I get a point for that. However, Friend KH doesn’t think catastrophizing the rest of my life is ‘Normal’. It keeps me in check.
Friend KH and I head to be at 23:30, Friend RH has long since gone up given he has to leave at 05:30 tomorrow. I get into bed and I know I fall asleep quickly. This is great as it’s a sign that I’ve been busy enough in the day to wear me out but not so busy that I am overtired. Bar the ever presence of my feelings about my size, this has been another good day to put under my belt.