I seem to think I’ve acquired a medical degree overnight. I was explicitly told not to put my whole foot down so, what have I been trying to do? I was explicitly told to wear the cast at all times except washing so, what do I do? Try and hobble around doing chores without it. 3 years studying Economics was a useful degree but it definitely can’t be seen as a substitute for a medical degree. Similarly, living with a house full of medics does not mean I’ve acquired their knowledge via osmosis. Person C, just bloody listen to the experts.
I’ve spent Friday in a state of shattered, emotional, frustrated and pure happiness. The last part is down to 10 hours with my God Son and his yummy mummy. A yummy mummy that treated me to 2 take aways’ in one day! Sushi then curry. What more could I ask for? Given it’s Friday, it’s time for my second weekly emotional rollercoaster ride with the psychologist. Monday was the toughest it’s ever been. Today I have to face Therapist L and look her in the eye. Eye contact is hard when I’m not well. It gets harder as the topic gets harder. Direct correlation. I didn’t manage to look Therapist L in the eye for the latter half of Monday’s session so I’m going to have to face the eyes now. I manage it but Therapist L wants to go over some old ground, I am not sure I am strong enough to talk about this again. I want to change the subject. Intellectually, I know this avoidance is a sign I do still need to work on this however, emotionally, I’ve spent my energy units using the crutches and the bus today so no more left for this. The session ends and I am heading to Friend KT. It’s 2 busses but, I’ve become an expert on saving money! Since the launch of any 2 busses within 1 hour only charges once, I’ve managed to do most of my journeys for £1.50. The bus takes ages but normally, my book would keep me company and my earphones would help me drown out the others on the bus and all the ‘rules’ they are breaking in front of me. Today is different. Therapy has hit my like a 10 ton truck. I put my earphones in and stare vacantly out the window. My anxiety on busses is worse when I sit on the lower deck but, with crutches, I have no choice. I turn the music up really loud. I stare at the world going by and try to process everything. My brain doesn’t want to though. I decide that it’s ok, the brain should be allowed to wander. Faith is something that has been coming up a lot recently in my head so I use this as an opportunity to pray. I am a Christian however, a lapsed one at best. I go to church for all the major life events but that’s about it. I believe in a heaven and I believe that’s where a very important person in my life is sat, watching over me. That person is my guardian angel per se. I’ve prayed regularly even though I haven’t been to church. It used to be the mundane things like, ‘Please God, can this meeting go well?’; ‘Please God, can I get promoted?’ etc etc. however, in the last few months, my prayers have changed: ‘Please God, please can I get out of this mental hell?’; ‘Please God, help me find the way through this.’; ‘Please God, I feel so alone, please help me.’ I decide to download a free bible app. I’ve not read the bible cover to cover before. I was christened and then decided to be confirmed but I’ve never been to bible reading classes or sat and tried to look for help in it. I am not sure where this will all slot into my muddled brain but praying has been something I’ve used for a long time and that won’t stop.
Back to happiness, I stay a lot longer than I thought I would and so manage to squeeze in lots of God Son cuddles. Once it is time to leave, I have a few decisions. Do I get a taxi at ~£30 which will nearly deplete my budget for the month? Do I get two busses but let it take nearly 2 hours? Do I get the train and a bus which will cost more than 2 busses (my magic £1.50 trick!) but obviously less than the taxi? Friend KT can tell I am weighing something up and offers to pay for my taxi. No, no no no. I am going to do this. She has already provided me with a whole 10 hours of entertainment post therapy which has meant more to me than I can explain. Plus, let us not forget the two take aways’! So, bus it is. I have a book, I have my headphones and that’s all I need. Unsurprisingly, a lot of people are out on the town. I’ve not done that in so long. I’m not watching them in jealousy of being out but of jealousy of their laughter and light hearted fun. About 45 minutes into the journey, I’m reminded why having a quiet Friday with friends isn’t a bad thing. It’s 2330 and I’ve seen multiple people who are going to regret that ‘one last drink’ tomorrow. At least I’ll wake up with a clear mind. Well, relatively speaking anyway.
I get home and spent a portion of the bus ride reading bible passages for those with depression. I am not going to lie, I didn’t understand them all however, the audio of a woman explaining how her faith has helped her through this was inspiring. I know that faith isn’t going to provide me all my answers on a silver platter and take this away however, if it’s something I can use to bolster my resilience (urgh, that word again), then that would be great. This will not turn into a blog about religion for many reasons. I hate it when it’s pushed on people, I respect everyone has differing views and finally, it’s up to me to figure out how it can help me, if at all, rather than a source of reading for others!
I’m writing this up on Sunday evening. It’s the first Sunday in a while that I’ve got the Sunday blues. I was so used to them I hadn’t noticed they had gone. The fear was that I’d be exposed as bad at work, that I wouldn’t be clever enough to know all the answers, that I would continue feeling oh so very alone. Tonight’s blues are different. Therapy has been so incredibly hard that the sessions take it out of me. I know this will happen tomorrow. I need it, I know but still, I’d like to not feel quite so anxious. Oh, and finally, the foot still hurts as I seem to have a selective memory and yet again thought I had somehow acquired a medical degree!
oh, and one more thing. I’ve only gone and brushed my teeth twice a day for a whole week… ONE WHOLE WEEK! GO ME!