Hi blog, it’s been a while. Things have been a bit messy and, given I don’t like mess, I’ve not enjoyed things being messy. Whilst I mean this all about things in my head, it’s not helping that my cleaner has cancelled so the flat isn’t looking tip top either.
I am feeling so lost. I’ve had this feeling before but I still don’t know how to get past it. Let’s try to help me find me…
Weight: Well, I’ve been calorie controlling (in a healthy way), discovering ‘bad’ foods that don’t need to be classified as bad anymore (and in so doing, I’ll be a lot less likely to binge on them – welcome back into my life cheese!). I’ve been swimming, walking and lugging 16kg of cat litter up 4 flights of stairs so it should be all good. I’ve decided not to weigh myself. I don’t want to get caught up on what the scales said and therefore, I’ll be relying on my clothes. A win though… I’ve re-discovered my childhood favourite of peanut butter and banana sandwiches – don’t knock them until you’ve tried them.
Hair: Good news, I’ve had the rats’ tails chopped off and the magically multiplying greys are now chestnut colour.
Money: I went a little off piste this week. A trip to Costco (because everyone needs 48 rolls of fruit pastilles, right?!), some books after a lecture and some emergency make up (see below) all led to me raiding the savings I’d put away to pay for Christmas presents. I’ll get back on track, let us just call this a hiccup.
Alcohol: Well, Friend AI visited London and we visited a bottomless brunch with Friend LR. Friend LR was sporting a new sparkly accessory so we obviously needed to celebrate… needless to say, pain killers were needed. This wasn’t bad though, I felt the ever elusive ‘Normal’ for the weekend and oh, boy, do I love Friend AI for helping that happen. To top this off, a lovely dinner with Friend CT saw me opening bottle of wine #2 for the night, it wasn’t needed but hey, it was fun.
Father: This really is a toughie. I’ve spent part of this week thinking he has bowel cancer. I badgered a friend who is a doctor (after promising I wouldn’t) and all signs were pointing to the big ‘C’. After some tears, some anger and 2 therapy sessions, Sister called Father and asked him outright. He’s said it’s not the big C, but isn’t saying what it is… Selfish bugger!
Mum: Oh, she’s just the bestest! Since going to the hospital family morning, it’s like she’s understanding a bit more. She bought me tickets to a lecture on Buddhism and then bought me a very lovely dinner. We talked a lot and she was great about listening to things she didn’t want to hear her youngest daughter say. However, (come on, it can’t all be perfect!) she is the reason for the £28 emergency make up… having gone to therapy, met my manager and met a friend, it was the thought of seeing mum bare faced that drove me to a quick make up fix up. She approved though, so it paid off. Mum also thinks I need to become a Buddhist, I’m thinking about it!
Church: I’m still too scared to go but still trying to understand my faith
Work: I saw my manager for a coffee and tried my darn hardest to not over compensate. On the whole, I think I was ‘Normal’ but a bit of overcompensating slipped out by mistake. Can’t win them all. I did admit I am nervous about returning to work. It’s the truth. I am shitting it. It’s a bit like asking a kid to write an essay after the summer holiday… I used to forget how to spell the easiest of words. Well, it’s like that. What if I can’t do it? What if I’ve forgotten how to work? What if… what if… what if…
Death: A patient I knew at the hospital has overdosed and died. It’s weird. More than weird actually. I was so very close to that being me and, whilst I am still slowly climbing out the depression pit of hell, I am nearer the top than the bottom now. We were recommended not to make friendships in the hospital. It can lead to co-dependency. On the whole, this has been something I’ve stuck too. Doesn’t stop me wondering where they all are now and if they are ok. It was a bit of reality slap to hear one is dead.
Cats: I’m still cat crazy.
Cleanliness Rating: -10 (I’ve not washed or brushed my teeth since Friday morning).
Denial That I Am Fine: It’s not just a river in Egypt! It’s very much in residence in North London.
Death (Pt II): I mentioned it to my manager. Why oh, why?! See, told you I did some overcompensating.
Self care includes writing for me. I will be trying to do this a bit more often and maybe some of the sarcasm will return too!
Never buy striped wrapping paper… it took an age to get the stripes to line up and what’s worse, my 1 year-old Godson won’t even notice