Hello hello, I am still here. I spent a lot of last week at a friend’s house getting some TLC and home cooking.
I’ve talked about my foundations for being ‘ok’. Whatever ok is! Mine are:
- Washing incl. teeth
- Flexible but sensible eating
- Leaving the flat on most days – allowing duvet days when the reason is the right reason (i.e. not hiding from the world!
Point 1) is back on an even keel thanks to going to stay with friends. For some reason, brushing my teeth and washing my face are easier at someone else’s house. I don’t know why though. Maybe it’s social fear, I don’t want my friends thinking I smell. The other, non listed positive about staying with friends (who have kids…) is that a 2 ½ year old toddles into the spare room to wake me up at 0700. My sleep training has fallen off a cliff since Wales. I’ve been going back to bed after breakfast and having naps. This is especially try on therapy days where I am exhausted. Thankfully, 2 ½ year olds don’t care what you did the night before, they just want to play.
Point 2) seems to be going ok-ish. I’m very conscious this is being held together by a very thin thread though. When I saw my manager a couple of weeks ago, she told me about how busy the team is getting ready for a big project in early January. I thought I handled seeing her reasonably well (that is, apart from the topic of death?!) but I didn’t. The last time I was at work, I was very ill. Getting up felt impossible, dry shampoo and I were having an affair and the London taxis loved me for a large proportion of their income. The thought that the team are stretched at the moment, working long hours and not getting time off feels incredibly daunting. It’s because I am assuming I’ll feel like I did back in January and February. My last experience was tough so I assume going back will be. I need to remember I am in a better place and I am communicating more than ever before. I am trying my hardest to build my foundations and the odd slip ups are inevitable. I can see that now, sat here 10 days later and having had a number of psychologist appointments plus a full on de-brief with Friend KH but I didn’t see that at the time. Instead, after seeing Mum on the Friday, I went home and locked myself away for 2 ½ days and, time to fess up, I had some mini binges. Mini but still definitely classed as binges. I NEED to have food under control to take on more stress. It’s my go to way of getting through things. I don’t want to go back to binging or worse, purging again but when I’m emotionally out of kilter, food is the trusted companion of choice.
Point 3) is also ok-ish. As I said, when I found the topic of the team’s work difficult, I locked myself away. I cancelled plans and didn’t wash. In the lead up to my hospital admission, I was coming home on a Friday and not leaving the flat again until the Monday morning. During the week, I’d get a taxi (that I couldn’t afford) home and hide with the blinds down until morning. I’d cancelled a lot of plans and I was miserable. I’d sit in front of the TV but not be digesting what was going on. I couldn’t read for pleasure as I didn’t have the concentration. The thought of going back to work and falling back into that pattern scares the crap out of me. I was surviving, I want to be living. There are some activities I’ve decided to do once I am back on full pay – horse riding lessons, London lectures during the week, etc. I can’t afford to start them at the moment but I can once I’m not on insurance income. However, when Manager MH told me about how busy the team were, I immediately pictured locking myself away again just to sleep and sit in front of the TV. I know, I’ve stated above I am in a better place but locking myself away last weekend scared me. It’s so easy to slip back into bad habits.
So, my foundation is there, it just needs a bit more cement to help it set. Whilst we watch that dry, talking of bad habits, I’ve denied myself a bath and colouring for weeks now. It only hit yesterday when an Instagram picture popped up of a friend’s adult colouring. It’s been well over a month since I’ve done either nice thing for myself. I am hoping to break that today and get the colouring back out. Doing things that calm me down will be imperative when at work so I need to get them embedded now.
All in all, I feel a bit mixed. Some of my anxiety about returning to work is ‘Normal’. A friend returning from maternity leave told me how nervous she was. I just feel scared that I am going to slide backwards. I hope not, I hope I’m stronger than that now.
Now, purely for your entertainment and to prove how much I like to be control… the reason I am in the flat all day today is, I’ve done most of my Christmas shopping and it’s being delivered today! My very exciting spreadsheet with all the gifts, amount to spend etc has been colour coded and for items I had the savings for, I’ve gone ahead and bought them! Whoop. The wrapping paper and cards are also due today so you can bet your bottom dollar that they will be wrapped and written by the end of the week. If work is going to be manic, I may as well get ahead of the game now. If you are a friend/ parent of a child I am god mother too, there is no longer time to suggest presents, they are bought and eagerly awaiting the amazon delivery driver.
Finally, I said in the last post I need to write more. I do. Like bathing and colouring, I need to do them in the good times, the medium times and the bad times so, my intention is to get cracking. It may not always be a blog post, not every part of my life needs to be committed to the world wide web but I’ll be writing in some form. I think writing as I go back to work will help me see sense that I can do it and I can cope. Fingers crossed!
Oh, and one last ‘finally’ (I know, that’s not how ‘finally’ works!), I am out of the splint and off crutches. The ankle still has its moments of causing a lot of pain but, I am now limping around town and trying to do all my Physio exercises.
Part of my efforts to eat healthier… and of course, my trusted Sudoku