The title pretty much sums up my head right now. This week has been a punch to stomach. I feel like every part of my life is out of control and I am not coping well with it. In fact, I’ve just been crying down the phone to Mum. Crying down the phone always feels quite cathartic right? Or is that just me? However, mini victory: I am day 43 binge free and, after not brushing my teeth last night or this morning, I finally did them this afternoon (thanks to a psychologist session and many many tears). Tomorrow is run #17 which is going to hurt as I’ve not run since Monday. Dreading it but I need to do to more for my mental health than anything else. Good old Mum is then coming up to London to help ‘save the day’ a.k.a. do what she loves and rifle through my things under the pretence of helping me with the last bits of unpacking. Fingers crossed, this time tomorrow, I’ll be on the sofa, watching a film in a tidy flat.
Tomorrow I’ll be speaking to Father. Things aren’t great with his health and the next step is rather drastic. I’m struggling to process it as, whilst I know I’ve tried my utmost to make things be ok (including forgiving him things that I really still struggle with), I always thought there would be time, at some point, for it all to be ok between us. This is a slap in the face reminder that time is possibly not something we have and I still don’t have the answers to ‘fix us’. It’s heart breaking, devastating, frustrating and many other ‘ings’ all rolled into one snotty teared mess.
Finally, tomorrow I will laugh at all this but to top everything off, Boy Cat has decided to pounce on the newly painted white shelf and then walk all over my brand new floor… thanks Boy Cat! Just what I needed right now. My life is one big joke!
If anyone has any magical tips for preventing the world from feeling like it’s drowning them, please do let me know!
a multicoloured horse/ zebra/ unicorn because… well, why the heck not!