I’ve not written much recently. Not just on here but also in my journal. I’m hoping to be back to ‘Normal’ next year, but I’ve learnt not to make promises as I can’t totally control my health. So, it’s an aim, not a promise.
Tomorrow night lots of people will be spending silly amounts of money getting drunk at an amazing party, or, as I’ve come to realise, lots of people will be either pretending to have fun or even better, doing what they actually want which is to stay in pjs watching Netflix! Not in a Netflix and chill way either – I Netflix and chill and by that I mean I stay wrapped up in my BRAND NEW DRESSING GOWN! (it’ll make sense if you’ve been reading the blog a while, if not, don’t worry, it’s not that funny a reason other than I really like dressing gowns!). Yes, there are the few that will be at perfectly instagramable parties and actually having fun (rather than worrying/ keeping up with the Jones’/ drinking too much) but honestly, it’s such an over hyped night of the year. Would you normally go out and spend double just because it’s a Monday night? I will be at a friends. It’s very low key but I’ll be with friends and I’ll not have to spend too much!
When the clock chimes midnight, I am not under any illusion that 2019 will mean I am instantly ok. That said, waving goodbye to 2018 will be a relief. I thought 2016 was shit, then I realised it could get worse… I could end up in a psychiatric hospital… so, then, 2017 got worse. It surely couldn’t get much worse right? WRONG! 2018 has been the hardest year of my life. Losing Father, watching him die and then such anguish and pain once he was gone due to other people’s vindictive behaviour has shown me, weirdly, that I am stronger than I think. If I can survive 2018, I can survive anything. I’m dreading 16th April, the 1 year anniversary of Father’s death, but, I feel like 2019 has enough months in it to ensure I live the 80:20 rule of happiness. I’m entering 2019 binge free still, bloated from Christmas and still significantly overweight but, not binging. I’m able to communicate with key people more than I’ve ever managed in the past. The icing on the cake… my niece. She is simply amazing.
So, how will things change? I am not dieting. I could lose weight a heck of a lot quicker if I was but that won’t work for me long term. Instead, I am trying a balanced approach which allows me to have treats daily. I am setting healthier bed time routines as everyone knows, life choices shouldn’t be made at 03:00. I’m horse riding and tennis starts again on 7th January. Next, I need to get back to running.
All that sounds fine, but… ultimately, I need to start being kinder to myself. I don’t mean allowing myself more chocolate/ duvet days/ hours in the bath (although all of those are good too!)… but talking to myself like I talk to friends. The inner monologue needs to stop beating me up. I need to realise I am worthy of my family and friends (and animals) love. I am worthy of happiness. Thinking happy isn’t going to cure my depression but, if I can stop the constant belligerent hating monologues, at least it’ll be a start.
So, whatever you are up to tomorrow night, I hope you are doing something you actually want to do rather than something that will look good on social media. I hope you are surrounded by people who truly appreciate you. If you’re not, and if you’re alone, please reach out to someone. It doesn’t have to be someone you know, the samaritans are always there. It’s one night, try not to apply too much pressure to yourself and try to remember that you are not alone. There will be someone else out there that feels exactly what you feel. Hard to believe but it’s true.
Thank you for all the support I’ve received across a number of social platforms. Strangers can be incredible! Not to mention friends, families and colleagues. Thank you all so much.
Finally, I hope everyone has a lovely and happy start to the new year and hopefully you’ll be seeing more of me (although, less of my physical me) in 2019.