2019… can I start again please?

We’ve had a couple of weeks of 2019 and I’d like to press ‘start from beginning’. My idea to get back out running, not happened. My idea to reply to friends even when I’m feeling bad, not happened. My idea to have a better (aka screen free) bed time… you guessed it… not happened.

I’m not setting resolutions per se just a desire to work on all aspects of me. I ended up in tears the other day having not left the flat for a few days. I’m wasting my life which infuriated me but yet, even though I know it, I can’t seem to get out there (literally!). I’m not proud of the person I am. I don’t want to waste life in my tracksuit watching tv wishing my life was more interesting. The only way it’ll be more interesting will be to leave the building. But…

So, to breakdown how my mind works… my head and I have this discussion…

Days 1:

Head: you can get out there and be fun BUT… only once you’re not so overweight and ugly

Me: ok, kind of makes sense but maybe getting out will help that?

Head: you can’t go to the gym looking like that, no one will want to date you, you evidently are useless in all environments so work is a no no, basically you need to be ‘perfect’ BEFORE going out into the world

Me: you’re right, people will laugh, I’ll stay here. Maybe I can do a workout dvd though?

Head: great idea but your calendar isn’t organised into 30 mins slots and colour coded accordingly therefore you need to that first

Me: ahhh ok (spends HOURS on planning the perfect 7 day schedule)

Day 2:

Head: the reminder has just gone off for your scheduled workout but… you can hear the flat below you are in, they’ll think you’re coming through the ceiling if you start jumping around… given we’ve now broken the schedule that you spent hours doing, the whole day is lost… you’re not moving!

Me:… (insert loneliness and tears)… ok (give up on my day)

Day 3:

Head: well, you ruined yesterday and then spent hours re-doing your schedule so now you’re shattered and feel like rubbish. Basically today’s a right off again. Jeez woman!

Me:…(insert more loneliness and tears)… ok

Day 4:

Head: well, you’ve got to leave the flat even though you know you want to cancel plans and stay hidden

Me: (leaves flat)

Head: I miss home. I don’t like it out here. You need to get home as soon as possible

Me: (heads home without walking/ doing anything/ looking strangers in the eyes) I’ll try harder tomorrow, promise

So, still no running but, tennis has started up again and I did a lot of running in this weeks lesson! I also resisted flaking out of meeting a friend today. It got me up, dressed and out the flat.

It’s not all been bad! I’ve been brushing my teeth twice a day, I’ve done something that truly scares me (I’m not ready to share just yet) and, I’ve started my Best Self Journal – something I’ve owned for ages but I didn’t want to mess it up so never started it. I’m trying to look at things in less black and white terms.

I’ve always been an all or nothing person but, recently, I’ve been testing things out to see if I can stumble upon the grey area in the middle of the black and the white. It turns out, life can be more interesting there. I’m rather proud of the fact that I am still binge free. The way round this has been to not only allow treats daily but to change my mindset on the cost of food. Thanks to debt repayments, I had a ridiculously small budget for monthly food. Allowing myself to spend a bit more actually leads to less spending… the binge purchases no longer happen thus, no longer adding to the credit card debt. I have 3 meals and 1 to 2 snacks a day. Consistently. It’s that ‘C’ word that is the most important. I’m doing this daily. every day.

I regularly find a negative in things so maybe I should re-title this post to, ‘2019, Please can I learn to find the middle ground’ rather than just writing the whole thing off. Let’s see

Maybe 2019 can be the beginning of my healthier self – picture from ‘They Both Die At The End’ by Adam Silvera! The idea of living is hitting home

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