And so it is…

Next week marks a big anniversary… it will be Father’s & Sister’s birthday. It’ll also mark the last time I saw Father alive, well and actually as him. Although he survived the stroke for 6 weeks, he was far from the person who went into hospital.

It’s so cliche yet so true… if only I’d known. If I’d known that was the last time I’d see him, I’d have hugged him that bit tighter, I’d have gone back for coffee with them after lunch rather than scoot back to London, I’d have taken some pictures of us together and happy. I know there is no way I could have known, I know that life does this, it just hurts so so much. This date feels as important as the day he died as this was the last goodbye he will have heard from me.

I don’t know how I’ll get through it but I know I will, that’s the only certainty… time will keep ticking. There will be a lot of tears and I might go dark for a couple of days but I know its ok to be sad, hurt, angry and all the other emotions that come with grief. I’ve not reached acceptance yet but I’ll keep trying.

Depression wise, I think I am doing ok. I am still binge free which is huge for me. I’ve managed breaks in routines and then still managed to return to 3 meals and 1 snack a day once home. I’ve got no idea if it’s translating to weight loss because I am refusing to give the scales the power to control me. On the whole, teeth are being done twice a day, same for washing my face. I’m still struggling with getting out the house though. That one is proving hard to crack. So is being productive if I am staying inside. Today has been productive though so let’s ride with that. Tomorrow’s aim is to therefore be productive and leave the flat. I can’t go to tennis tomorrow as I’ve had a bad fall whilst riding. My injury streak continues for another year. After a bad concussion, a night on a hospital ward and some broken fingers later, I’m back at home but now trying to learn to live life left handedly.

Oh, and I’ve been for my first run in months! That was meant to have continued but concussion/ hospital kind of got in the way. I am hoping to not have a headache by Wednesday so watch this space.

I was going to aim to write weekly, and not always about me, but I need to see how I’ll ride out next week first. Hopefully be back shortly after though.

If you’re out there fighting, keep going. Slowly but surely, the dark gets that bit lighter and hope will find its way in. You are stronger than you know and I believe you can beat this.

me… right now!

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