Rest In Peace

Father passed away on 16th April at 10:00. The operation to try to cure him of cancer was a success. He was indeed free of cancer. 24 hours post op, Father had a massive stroke. Whilst there were peaks and troughs in his recovery, ultimately this was just too much for his body to take.

 

The NHS were beyond unbelievable. The care, respect and dignity they showed Father and us as an unusual (and large extended) family was exactly what we all needed.

 

So, three points in this brief post:

 

  1. My OCD is telling me this is my fault:¬†After the trip to Wales, I said I didn’t know if I wanted Father in my life anymore, now I feel that putting that out there made it come true – it turns out I was wrong, I do want him in my life. I want one more conversation with him, I want one more hug, I want one more booze fuelled night (Whiskey!) with Bob Dylan ‘Mr Tamborine’ blaring out the speakers. I want him to meet Sister’s baby (oh, yes, the circle of life has never been more true, my first niece or nephew arrives in September)
  2. Everything happens for a reason: The last 6 weeks has taught me to much. I can’t see all the reasons why Father clung onto life for so long but there will be a point to it. One of which is that I am now in ‘healthy’ communication with his partner. Family politics have made this so much harder but somehow I’ve put one foot in front of the other. If I can get through this, I can get through anything
  3. Heaven and Hell are a place on Earth: I feel I am in hell right now. I went to stay with Friend KH for a couple of days to avoid being alone. Now I am home, I am sat in the dark crying (snotty tears are back!) and I don’t know how to move forward

 

Writing feels like purging but is obviously much healthier so I intend to be back soon. Right now, I plan to turn on a light and try not to cry for a bit.

 

Rest In Peace ARB: 05.02.1950 – 16.04.2018

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